New Years Eve... What?

I know I dropped off the face of the planet for a while, and I apologize. I was doing several things that didn't involve an internet connection, such as being in conservative North Carolina with my conservative family, and going on lots of dates with my boyfriend when I was not in North Carolina. I've also been shirking responsibility, pretending to clean my house in order to host a New Years party, and lying to myself that I will, in fact, lose ten pounds by NYE (aka, tonight) in order to look super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot in my new red dress. Good game, good game. I probably gained ten instead.

Anyways, I'm afraid I haven't been feeling very poetic lately. And in my opinion, a bad blog entry isn't worth your time. So I've spared you, but I feel like I owe you one. It's been a while, hasn't it? And I miss you. So this one is for you guys.

Making New Years resolutions has always been hard for me, except for one year. I was probably clinically depressed, albeit undiagnosed, and my New Years resolution was that I was going to be happier. It worked. But since then, I've done the traditional "work out more"- lasted me through the middle of February and I got lazy. Last year I don't even think that I had one, and if I did, I failed miserably. Things were a lot different 365 days ago. I had a group of friends that wasn't crumbling apart, a stable handle on where my life was going to be for the next year, an extremely strong set of morals, a nonexistent doubt in life, and a naive projection for the future. Some of those things I still posses, but some I do not.

To be honest, I don't know what 2012 will bring. This is a very pivotal point in my life, and there are a lot of things that I'm not certain about. I don't know where I'll be- geographically, mentally, spiritually, and in my relationships with others. I can't honestly imagine what life is going to be like 365 days from now. And that thought terrifies me.

However, there are certain things to look forward to. For example, I'm not sure I'll ever lose my insecurity or my fear of the unknown, and that's a comforting thought. Seriously. It's good to know that some things will be constant, amidst the incredible change about to take place.

This thought process is inconclusive, and so is this entry. I'll check back in with you in 2012. Peace out, bitches.

Forever yours, A.G.

Quick Recap

I feel particularly obligated to blog today, and I don't know why. It's fairly early in the evening for me, but I suppose that's a bad thing. I need to get my sleep schedule back on track.

Today has been the most fun that I've had in a while. It was filled with amazing people and amazing conversation. I baked cookies with my best friend, her love interest, and my boyfriend today, and we laughed so hard we thought we were going to cry. We kept one another on our toes all afternoon, and it was amazingly fun. I miss them all.

I then went back to my boyfriend's house for a family dinner. Of course, we sat at the table for close to two hours afterwards, just talking and laughing. His family are truly some of the most amazing people that I've ever met, and I always feel extremely blessed to spend as much time with them as I do. It's a breath of fresh air, and it always warms my heart to see a family interact in such a way as theirs do. They're genuinely happy people that are genuinely happy to be spending time together. Also, they're hilarious, which doesn't hurt.

Hopefully I'll be in a more poetic mood as Christmas comes along. By the way, regardless of whatever holiday you celebrate, I hope it's a happy, joyous, merry one.

This Week = WTF

I literally cannot comprehend the amount of things going on in my head right now. Coming from someone who constantly has approximately seventy six things going through her head at any given moment, that's saying something.

I can't even start at a coherent point in my day, that's how disoriented I am. First off, my sister is on crutches for the next four weeks or so because she tore her MCL a little and has a contusion on her bone or something. I don't know, but she's out for a while. Which is awesome for her, and it makes me sad. She's flying with crutches to North Carolina I suppose. Why is she always injured when we take planes places?

Then, there's the fact that it's finals week. I hate finals. They stress me out, even though I don't care about them. I'll be fine. Completely. But stress is running high and so everyone is tweaking out, which is fantastic, and making me tweak as well.

This weekend, at a study party, one of my friends got another one of my friends absolutely drunk and then invited more people over, who promptly took her to the basement and tried to coax her deepest, darkest secrets out of her. And then tried to keep it from me. Real fucking mature. First of all, like I care, second of all, like I'd tell anyone or report her, third of all, suggesting she drink to cope with her stress was just a bad game plan from the get-go. Newsflash, girl who told her to drink an entire glass of tequila when she didn't have any weed to smoke to "calm her down", you have a problem. Good luck in life, dumbass.

But that's not the only thing. We're literally living in the tornado of a soap-opera, a.k.a. one of our friends lives, and she's literally being so dramatic over everything that she's getting on everyone's nerves. Not like she doesn't normally, but more so than usual. Have I mentioned that nobody really likes her? So that's awesome. But apparently her and her ex-boyfriend, who's life she ruined, are now on good terms again. Even though he still loves her and she wants nothing to do with him romantically. Good terms? I don't think so.

And it gets better. One of my other friends decided it would be a fantastic idea to plan on bringing a flask to New Years. Seriously? Stay home. If you want to get drunk, don't do it around us. We not only don't want to be around that for the time that we spend together, but you're also the most annoying drunk on the planet. You throw up everywhere. I'm not taking care of that, or of you, on New Years. Find some other friends to hang out with.

Also, I'm so over this natural hibernation thing. Apparently nobody informed my body that a. I wasn't starving to death and that b. I wasn't a bear, so it seems to require more food. So I gain weight. But part of that is simply due to stress, I think. Oh well, fuck that. I still have a few months until swimsuit season.

My family de-stresses me, that I'll admit, but we rarely have time to spend together since we're constantly running around doing a million things. Especially preparing for Christmas. Did anyone mention that it was in six days? I will say that my friends are great for venting, though.

The only person that, no matter what, takes the time to listen to my stressors and calms me down is someone that I don't particularly want to burden with my stressors. Oh, and he's 213 miles away.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

I came across these tips, and I couldn't help but be taken aback. Because I know that I'm guilty of 25/30 on any given day, and more on some days. But these are especially applicable to my life at the current state, so I'll share them with you now.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
2. Stop running from your problems.
3. Stop lying to yourself.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner
5. Stop trying to be someone you're not.
6. Stop trying to hold on to the past.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.
11. Stop being idle.
12. Stop thinking you're not ready.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn't work.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else.
16. Stop being jealous of others.
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.
18. Stop holding grudges.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
28. Stop worrying so much.
29. Stop focusing on what you don't want to happen.
30. Stop being ungrateful.

Besides those, just go out and live your life. There's nothing stopping you from living the life that makes you happy. If you live your life to please others, you lose your own happiness along the way. Stay true to who you are, and what you believe in. Keep those that support you close, and don't bother spending time doing things that don't make you happy. Remember: you are loved. Believe in yourself. Don't wear a mask in front of others, and don't be a people-pleaser: it's basically the same offense. Everything's an act when you're pleasing everyone.

Love life. Live life to love it.

Dear D

Okay, here's the thing. I don't appreciate your nasty tweets about me. Just say it the fuck to my face. And just because I'm hanging out with some guy at rehearsal doesn't mean I'm any less faithful to my boyfriend. You've never once allowed me to be friends with who I want, because whenever I hang out with guys one-on-one, you always claim that people talk and are saying mean things about me. Well guess what. Nobody thinks that. I'm a nice person, and nobody thinks I'm a slut. Lunch with a boy during a rehearsal break doesn't indicate a relationship failing on my part, not does it mean that I'm cheating on my boyfriend. When, by the way, your ex's only constant complaint about you was that you were all over other guys in front of him. So you can do that, yet I can't scratch a guy's head or hug another guy when hanging out with my friends? Your excuse is that everyone knows you're joking. Well they know that about me too! Nobody suspects me of cheating, except maybe my loser of an ex. I'm faithful to my boyfriend. Completely. Absolutely. And he knows that.

So get your nose and tweets out of my fucking business and take some of your own advice.

I Figured It Out

The reason why I'm so miserable all the time is because I'm tired of living up to other people's expectations of me.

I'm tired of worrying how I dress and how it will portray me to society.
I'm tired of worrying about what I post on social networking because I'm afraid that it'll make people think badly of me.
I'm tired of being afraid that what I'm saying will get me judged or laughed at.
I'm tired of constantly making sure I'm being proper.
I'm tired of following the rules because I'm afraid of getting into a little bit of trouble.
I'm sick of being the cautious one.
I'm tired of dragging people down to my mellowness because I don't want things to get crazy.
I'm tired of being reserved.
I'm done with being too swept up in life not to enjoy the ride.
I'm sick and tired of doing what others say, just because they think it's a good idea.
I'm tired of repressing my thoughts because I'm afraid of what I'll say, and what others will think of that.
I'm tired of being afraid to branch out.

I need to get out of this place.

Friendships?

I wish I could take a break from my life long enough to realize what's wrong.

The issue, besides the fact that I don't want to seem weak, is the fact that I never seem to be able to figure out what's wrong, even when I am concentrating on finding a solution. I've blamed stress, blamed it on having an off day or a bad week, or even on the drama of my friends. But how long is it going to take before I realize that there may be something bigger happening here?

That's a bit of an irrelevant question. I've determined that whatever is bothering me isn't doing so in a purely obvious way, so that means that I've already realized it deserves further investigation. I think the real reason I don't want to figure things out is because a. I'm scared of what the results are, and b. I don't want to expose my weaknesses. But the fact of the matter is that I'm not happy with something in my life right now. I'm not happy with where I'm at, who I'm with, what I'm doing, etc. And yes, there are a lot of things in everyone's life that make them unhappy, but they deserve to be acknowledged. I just can't do that with my own issues.

One of the things that I think is really the problem is my social situation. I've never been one strong enough to ask for help, so that's an immediate barrier between myself and others. Nothing has ever been safe in my circle of friends, and weaknesses tend to be exploited. We're like a soap opera, I truly mean that. We're vicious and nasty, and all we do is talk about the "weakest link" behind their back. It's awful. I'm not saying that I'm innocent of this, but it does make me think twice about who to tell things to, or if I'm being judged based on what I do and say. I've been criticized far too many times to be confident within my group of friends, and as much as we say we love each other, we truly don't. I don't feel like anyone has my back, and that's hard. Going through every day, not knowing which ones of your friends are trashing you behind your back is a really rough battle to fight constantly. When any of us tells another to keep something a secret, that's irrelevant, because we go blabbing about it anyways. Our group is full of two-faced bitches. That's the plain and blatant truth. There isn't anyone I can vent to, because I don't want everyone to know what I say to that one person. There isn't any form of release, and it's a really unhealthy environment for all of us to be in. I can't tell anyone anything. Truly. I feel close with maybe one of them at a time, and that's just not a good situation. We never hang out anymore, and we're basically all passing time until we get away from each other. I'm worried that these friendships aren't meaningful or lasting.

I needed to get that out. There isn't any redeeming qualities about my core group of school friends. They leave me out of things, they don't invite me when they hang out. When they do hang out with me, they do nothing but talk about more fun things that happened when I wasn't there, and everyone seems to not notice when I disappear for a while. We're on different wavelengths: when they get crazy, I think they take things too far, but if you tell them that, they flip out and make fun of you. I'm not the only one this has happened to.

I'm being a bad friend to them too, I know that, but it makes it really hard to care about a group of such supportive people. I don't communicate with them because I honestly have such a hard time putting so much time and effort into something that I don't get to reap the benefits of. This has been a lot of hating on my friends, but it isn't their faults. Truly. I love them, even if they're the meanest people at times.

I guess that's what happens when I get upset on Sunday nights when I should be cleaning my room.

So, This Week Sucks

Okay. So I'm super stressed out right now, and this week is full of horrible things, but I'm surprisingly happy. I don't know why. On top of a trillion homework assignments that I have to do and losing my car keys today (yes, it sucks. so much), I've had more friend drama and activities than ever before. But whatever, all of that is inconsequential.

Being stressed increases productivity. It has to, otherwise things would never ever get done. A certain amount of stress can make you shut down completely, but I had my breakdown last night. And now I'm back with the swing of everything! Solving problems, being productive, and all that jazz.

But why am I so happy? I don't know. It could be the fact that I've looked cute every day this week and that helps me feel better. Could be that I get to check things off my list of things to do, which makes that list shrink in size, which is always a fantastic feeling. It could be that I don't have time to worry about pointless things. Maybe it's a release of pent-up stress. Maybe I just needed to be angry at something. Who knows. But I'm in a good mood! Despite everything else going to shit in my life.

Maybe it's Chipotle.

One Thing I'll Never Understand...

Why the hell is it so easy to blog, and yet so difficult to do things I'm supposed to do? I told myself today that I was going to finish two essays before I went to bed. And what did I do instead?

I got hungry and went to find some food, only to realize that I don't know what I'm allowed to eat and what's off-limits until the feasting tomorrow. I settled on a bag of microwavable popcorn, which I didn't even want after I popped it.

I went on Facebook for a while, and started playing SimSocial. It's addicting, and such a guilty pleasure of mine. I'm almost embarrassed to admit I play it, but it's awesome, so whatever.

I went on Twitter and read all the tweets I've been missing for the past few hours. Not as fulfilling as one might think.

I went on YouTube and wasted some time there. See a pattern here?

I texted my boyfriend. Which isn't really that incredibly distracting by itself, but it's something that I also did instead of writing essays.

I watched tonight's episode of Modern Family, which I missed.

I played Auld Lang Syne, which is a Solitaire game. I played it a few times, bringing my stats up to 240 wins, 0 losses.

I calculated the time until I was on my way to Target for Black Friday shopping. In case you were wondering, I'll be spending money 26 hours from now.

I looked at my essays. And promptly decided to go to sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

If I Was Married To Technology...

We'd be getting a divorce. For the past twenty four hours, I've been fighting with the interweb and my computer.

My original goal:  to record and post videos of myself and two other dance captains from my show choir dancing, so the rest of the choir could practice along.

What it turned into:

Sunday afternoon:

4:30-we all get there and figure a way to prop my computer up so that the webcam can record videos.

4:50- we come to the realization that playing the music off the computer leads to horrible feedback and such. We search for a way to plug the computer into the tv.

5:10- after figuring out that it wasn't possible, we begin a search for a blank CD to burn the song onto, to play out of the tv.

5:15- CD burned, we start going over the dance.

5:30- we begin recording videos.

5:40- we discover that all the videos recorded so far cannot be audible since the surround sound on the tv was turned up so high.

5:45- we restart recording videos.

6:30- we finish recording videos. Net footage time? 13:50.

6:50- after dinner, they leave.

Later that night:

9:30- I begin uploading the videos to the facebook group I created earlier that day. Due to copyright infringement issues, we have to jump through all sorts of hoops to make these videos private.

9:50- I finish the upload.

9:52- I discover that, for some godforsaken reason, none of the videos play.

10:00- after rebooting several times, I wage WWIII on my computer

10:30- I call a ceasefire and work on a paper I have due the next day.

10:45- my internet goes out because my mom's on the home phone too close to the router.

10:50- restart the router and my computer, I'm good to go.

11:30- I finish my paper and hit print, to pick it up in the morning.

Monday morning:

6:45- I go downstairs to discover my paper has not printed.

6:55- after attempting to print three times, I e-mail the paper to myself and print it downstairs, after shutting down my computer.

Monday afternoon:

5:45- I get home from school and turn on my laptop.

5:55- I finish YouTube registration and the like.

6:10- I finish uploading the videos to YouTube as unlisted videos, and make a playlist of them.

6:15- I finish making the videos all safe and stuff.

6:18- going downstairs in pursuit of a piece of cheesecake, I find three copies of the paper I tried to print that morning strewn on the floor in front of the printer.

6:30- I try to upload an audio file for the dance to YouTube, only to be told I need Windows Movie Maker to convert the file.

Later that evening:

11:00- I decide to get Movie Maker and attempt this thing.

11:15- it stops downloading.

11:25- I figure out how to get a slideshow, set the music to a picture, and save it.

11:26- I'm informed by YouTube that instead of a .wlpb or something, it needs to be a .wmv or something.

11:33- I follow instructions, only to be told it'll take half an hour to save in the new format.

11:34- I shut down my computer for the evening.

I hate technology, and it hates me back. Clearly.

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Sex

So this is what happened to me today. Regarding my sex life.

I was at rehearsal for the show I'm currently in, and one of the cast members happens to be my best friend. Another one of the cast members is the biggest tool you will probably ever meet in your life. An attractive tool, I'll give him that, but a tool nonetheless. So the two of them were engaged in conversation, when I was not around, and somehow, the subject of my gay ex-boyfriend came up. By the way, this was in eighth grade, and everyone thinks this particular gay guy is awesome, and they're jealous of me for dating him.

So the tool asks my friend if I lost my virginity to him, to which she responded with a resounding "no."
He asks if I've lost it at all, and she refuses to answer. He asks again, and she admits, to him, that I'm a virgin.

Strange yet? Not even.

He then says to her "really? She acts like she has."

How does one act like they've lost their virginity? By the way, this guy isn't the first that's been surprised that I'm still holding onto my V-card, if you will. But what about me makes guys think that I've had sex? I don't  know.

Later into rehearsal, my friend decides to try and unhook my bra with her teeth. Don't even ask. On second thought, I'm starting to see why rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated, to quote "Easy A."

Later on in rehearsal, she made a comment, sarcastically, that "SOMEONE has to take it!" again, referring to my virgin status.

What the hell?

She didn't understand that I took offense to that. As I believe I rightfully should have! This isn't the first time I've been made fun of, by her, for being a virgin. Oh, and which one of us was it that had a pregnancy scare? Right. Sure as hell wasn't me, was it? And who lost it to their boyfriend after saying that she'd marry him, only to break up two months later? Oops, fresh wound. Too far. Whatever, she isn't reading this.

Anyways, it's my business, more than anything. I shouldn't have to notify the world when I'm no longer a virgin. And what's more, the world shouldn't care. The fact that I'm a virgin isn't weird, it doesn't make me any less of a fun person. It just means that I have enough respect for myself and for those in my life that I know that it hasn't been the right choice for me yet. It's saved me from a lot of trouble, and honestly, it's my choice. My decision. Call me crazy, but I thought that what you do (or don't do) in bed with other people should stay between those two people. Lastly, it isn't something that I should have to validate.

Which is exactly what I just did.

I'm So Blessed...

I just got back from an eye-opening weekend, to say the least. It was great to reconnect with my church family and get closer to God. But one of the major realizations I had this weekend was the knowledge that I'm blessed with so much in my life.

I have an incredible base of friends. I know that they're there for me regardless of anything, and they're incredibly good people. We always have great times together, and I know that they always have my back. They're such an amazing influence in my life, and they've all impacted me in one way or another. Some have credited me with saving them from various mistakes. Others have saved me from making mistakes. In general, they've kept me out of a ton of trouble, and I couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded by.

I have an amazingly supportive family. They've always had my back with whatever endeavor I decide to engage myself with. They genuinely want me to succeed, and have every intention of helping me to do so. I couldn't thank them enough.

All of the adults in my life are incredibly supportive. I've gotten the chance to know many amazing people in my life, and many of these adults have claimed to be as impacted by me as I am of them. I truly love engaging in conversation with people that have different backgrounds than I, and I've never been turned down for an opportunity to do so because I was "too young." Additionally, there has been an incredible amount of support from adults that I trust, and they've helped me sort through my thoughts when I couldn't do so myself. I owe so much to them.

Last but not least, I have an incredible boyfriend. He always has the capacity to turn my day around, and he's taught me so much about the world and about myself. I hope he knows that.

On the flip side of all of that, I've had to deal with a lot of pain in my life recently. However, I know, as should you, that no one is ever truly alone. There are places to seek help, people to talk to, and resources to use. There's always some sort of hope, some outlet, something to do.

There must be some sort of balance between the two. I mean, I just emerged from a sanctuary of peace and support and came crashing down into a spiral of pain. Not my own pain, but that of those I love, which in essence is my pain too. I'm still trying and fighting to find out where the two worlds meet. But for now, I'll do what I have control over, and count some of my blessings.

What is it about today...

 Two of my best friends texted me within the half hour saying things have gone to hell with their (ex)boyfriends.

One was coaxed into meeting with her ex, was told that everything was going to be different, that they'd take it slower, then (from her story) was tricked/talked into giving him head. She's in shambles, furious as all hell, and lashing out.

The other friend's boyfriend is being all uncommitted and unsure of where his life is going. She's not asking for definite answers, she's just sick of being shut out of the present based on the unknown factors in the future. She called me in tears. I was able to get her back on her feet, so to speak.

This brings into light a revelation that I had today. Regardless of anything that past friends/boyfriends/what have you  have done to me in the past, or how much hurt they've caused in my life, I would much rather see them happy than upset. I'd much rather see their lives together than apart. Because once you care for someone in any capacity, friendship or more, you care about their well being. I'm glad to see you're happy. Genuinely. Now you know not only that there's grass on the other side, but it's green as well.

This girl M, however, I would very much like to strangle. More on that one (probably) later!

37, 29, 40.5

My face arrived today.

No, seriously. I had a brief stint as a model and my mom ordered a picture of myself and, for all intents and purposes, my two sisters to put on her wall. Don't get me wrong, it's a gorgeous picture. I look beautiful. So do they. That photography studio has never taken a bad picture of me. I like the picture plenty, I just hate what it says about me.

I have never put too much thought into what I put on in the morning. I don't wake up an hour early for school to do my hair, like my sister, it's a rare day when I wear makeup, and most of the time, I'm just fine with the way that I look. I'm not the prettiest, most put together girl at school and I know that. I've been told that I draw looks as I walk down hallways, but I never see them. What I do see, however, is all the guys (and girls) flocking to girls who spend at least an hour getting ready in the morning. People like to be surrounded by pretty people, and pretty takes a lot of time. As soon as you put on a coat of mascara, it's a competition. A contest to see who can look the best, have the prettiest face, be the most put together. And so I actively remove myself from this unspoken battle. By not wearing makeup, I'm not trying to be pretty. I'm not trying to compete to be the prettiest. I'm not setting myself up to lose.

But what if by so vehemently opposing standards, I am setting myself up to lose? Everyone likes to look put together, and it makes me more confident when I know I look good. It's just that every time I bring a stick of eyeliner to my lid, mascara to my lashes, or powder to my cheek, it suddenly becomes a game. A literal mask. I know why girls wear makeup, and I don't pretend to not need that sometimes. But I deny myself the cop-out, and I don't know why. If I look pretty with my face, I feel that I need to dress pretty and do my hair pretty. That's so much expectation to live up to. Competing in society's beauty race is so hard. I don't pretend to think I'm ugly. I know I'm not. So I tell myself that I don't need things like makeup to make me feel good about how I look.

What if that's a lie? I sometimes think by holding myself to that standard, I put even more pressure on myself. Because I don't allow myself to have a "cute day," it's always a struggle. I turn on the TV and the first thing I notice about the girls there? Their legs. One of my insecurities. A part of me that I constantly compare to everyone that I meet. It's awful, and I'm fully aware of that. I try to stop doing so, but it's more of a natural reaction than anything else. Also, I've noticed a trend in girls that have gotten over eating disorders: they're all skinny. I know why people are anorexics and bulimics- because it works. The last time I was able to fit into size 4 jeans was after I didn't eat very much for two weeks straight due to my wisdom teeth being removed and getting some strange sickness afterwards. It's scary, but it's hard to argue with fifteen pounds.

Am I saying I'm going to stop eating? No, I love food way to much. I just don't know why I don't care more about what I look like. One thing I do know, however, is why this post is coming out tonight. My mom made a comment about me consuming cheesecake. Granted, it was two pieces of cheesecake, but I had had a bad day. I wanted to cope with something. Food is not a good coping mechanism, but it's one that I use. Which is pretty counterproductive when I become a critic about the way that I look. The sad part was that if I had known she'd be home before I would be able to eat one of the two pieces, making it look like I only got one piece all along, I wouldn't have had the second piece. She's my biggest critic about what I put in my mouth, and that translates to me being my biggest critic about the way that I look.

As with all other insecurities, there are some good days and some bad days. Some days, what I look like doesn't matter to me because of what I'm doing or who I'm with, if I'm having fun and such. However, there are days where I wish I had put on some makeup before I left the house, or wish that I had done my hair all fancy instead of just throwing it on top of my head. Some days, I want to look pretty. For activities, for people, it doesn't matter: I just need to feel beautiful.

Hearing I weighed more than all my female friends was a killer. And no, girls don't just go around talking about that! It was relevant for belaying in rock climbing. But that led to thoughts about how I could never pull off said skirt my friend was wearing, or a dress this girl wore to homecoming. I never look good enough for me.

You can say, over and over again, like I do, that body image doesn't affect you and that society has no impact on the way you view yourself. You would then be, as I am, a liar.

Most of the time I'm able to get over it, and allow myself to have fun and to do things without my weight or how I look in my jeans being the first thing that pops into my head. Sometimes, though, it's not enough.

Back to the picture (I promise this has a point). I look at that photo, and ones like it, and I feel so beautiful. I hear that others think my pictures are pretty, and I become so, so happy. But do I look like that on the street everyday? Should I? Do people passing me think I'm as pretty as I am in my pictures? The problem comes with the fact that in order to validate the way that I look to myself, I need to paint my face. That I only feel truly beautiful with makeup to hide behind. What the hell? That's not right, at all. How could I let society have this mysterious, powerful control over me?

Whenever my mom sees pictures of myself and my friends on a normal day, her comments will range from "That looks fun" to "When was this?" When looking at pictures of us on homecoming, say, or when we're all dolled up for the camera? "She's SO pretty!"

Stop. Stop this. Stop telling people that they're only pretty on their prettiest days, and stop implying that they need to paint themselves in order to feel beautiful. Compliment your female friends, ladies, because we all know that your best friend saying you look pretty is a lot more unbiased than your boyfriend saying you look pretty. Make peace with yourself in terms of the way that you look. It's something that I'm going to try to do.

I Knew Those Viagra Commercials Were Trouble....

So picture this. I'm babysitting a fourth grader. He's eleven, if you didn't want to do the math. We're watching the packers game and in a commercial break, a Viagra commercial comes on, as they so often do. Why during football games? To attract the demographic that believes they should still be able to have sex like they're younger than fourty.

Anyways, this commercial comes on. The eleven year old, after hearing the legal disclaimer, turns to me and says "how can your heart not be healthy enough for sex?" Now, Girl Scout babysitting class did NOT prepare me for this question to be asked, let me tell you that much. Trying to dance around the question, I said that sex raises your heart rate, like exercise does. Apparently, that wasn't a good enough answer. He said that sex, "like making out and stuff" isn't like exercise. While trying to find the appropriate response to that comment, he dropped the atomic bomb of questions about this entire situation:

"Do you know how babies are made? Like, with the boy's...thing and the girl's.....?"

I said yes, and dreaded what came after that. Rightfully so. The next thing that came out of his mouth? "That's so gross. Does the boy actually have to put his penis in the vagina?" I was too far past avoiding the topic all together, so I had to answer honestly.

The payoff was oh so sweet. In between exclaiming "that's GROSS!" over and over, he managed to ask some more questions and add some more comments:

"Do you HAVE to to get a baby?"

"You only have to do it once, right? Not once per baby?"

"How far does it have to go in?"

"Why can't you just spit in the girls mouth while making out and then get a baby? Why do you have to use your privates?"

"How far does it have to go in?"

"And the semen has to....ugh...."

"Well the girl just has to lie there like this (he assumed the doggy-style position, for some reason) so its easier for her. But the boy has to, like, use his thing...."

"That's so GROSS! Are you ever going to let a boy do that to you?"

"Its good you only have to do it once to get a baby."

"I guess you might get used to the grossness after a few times..."

Honestly, that would be payment enough for three and a half hours of babysitting (but I'm not going to complain when I get paid!). Also, I can't wait for this kid to be exposed to junior high and high school. Or porn. Or puberty.

Welcome to real life, bitches.

On a related note, I explained to my mom what Plan B was today. Evidently I'm the expert on things related to and including sex.

Irony is oh-so-sweet.

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Halloween 2011

Okay, I love you dearly, but there's something that I must say to you.

Going to a Halloween party in a barely-there costume and drinking is not an appropriate substitute for the drug/alcohol free weekend retreat you could've been on. Additionally, drunk trick-or-treating should NOT be your reward to yourself for finishing college applications. That's a horrible system you have for yourself. You wanna know what I gave myself when I finished college apps for the November 1 deadline? A nap.

What did I do tonight, you may ask? Watched Silence of the Lambs and The Sing Off. And got ahead on college applications.

Anyways, Happy Halloween. Hope yours was enjoyable!

"Mr. Right Now" by Putbull ft. Akon

"My name is not Mr. Right,
But you can be my Mrs. Tonight.
I know you're looking for a good guy,
But I can guarantee a good time.
My name is not Mr. Right,
But you can by my Mrs. Tonight.
I know we're only fooling around.
I'm never gonna be your Mr. Right,
But I'ma be your Mr. Right Now"

Seriously?

Translation:
"I'm not good for you,
But we can sleep together tonight.
I know you're looking for something worthwile,
But I'm fun.
Again, I'm not good for you,
I still want to sleep with you.
This doesn't mean anything
It isn't going anywhere,
But you're going to sleep with me tonight."

Good thing Pitbull and Akon are so moral, and that popular music is promoting good things. No wonder we still have a problem with objectifying women and treating them differently than men.

Hello, Chicago River

Our story was that a wave caught us wrong and just capsized it because we were leaning slightly to the left. So, here's what really happened. My friend and  I were in a tandem kayak, and on mile 5, we found ourselves in the freezing water of the Chicago river. How did this happen, you may ask? Well, we certainly didn't choose to be treading water in sweats and rain boots, if that's what you mean. By the way, treading water in rain boots sucks. Never try it. Anyways, we viewed it as a kind-of karma retribution thing. See, we had been going around pulling people's kayak rudders out of the water, so they couldn't steer as easily. It didn't do any lasting damage, but until they realized it, it was funny to see them be confused as to why they could no longer use the rudder pedals to any effect. It was slightly mean, I'll admit, but it was all in good fun and nobody got hurt. Except our prides.

At the particular moment that the wake from a passing boat struck us (and yes, there really WAS a wake!) my friend was leaning out of the boat to try and pull somebody else's rudder out of the water. I did not know this at the time, and so I had no problem telling the wave story, because I thought it was true. It wasn't until later that I found out that we had tipped over in an act of failed sabotage. Talk about karma.

My first reaction was to laugh. Hers was to scream at the top of her lungs. Needless to say, we attracted a lot of attention to ourselves, very quickly. Luckily we were wearing life vests. If we hadn't, my sweatpants, sweatshirt, rain jacket, t-shirt, leggings, Under Armour, and rain boots would have dragged me straight down. All those layers had helped me stay warm while they were dry, but they proved to be a bit of a nuisance when they were all wet. She continued to scream, while I continued to laugh, we both continued to float, and the teachers and leaders began to pull our kayak out of the water, onto their kayaks. They somehow drained most of the water, then asked us to sort-of flop in the kayak. The problem was that we couldn't swim in all those layers. At all. My boots were filling with water, I was waterlogged, there were several problems. Anyways, we eventually got into the boat and we began to take off our wet layers. We both got down to our Under Armour and leggings, wrapped in towels, and put our life jackets back on. We strapped everything that was wet to the back of the kayak, and started to use this pump thing to bail out our kayak. Once we got into the sun, it was fine and we began to dry off. However, it was still obnoxious to lay out our wet clothing, tote it home, and walk around in leggings instead of pants. We had a full conversation about how much we hated wearing leggings as pants, and I still don't understand how some people do it. At all. I mean, some girls do it. And seem to be fine with it! But if I had any negative feelings about doing so, they have tripled. It's awkward, you feel exposed, it's just really bad.

So that was my day. Afterwards, we ate lots of fries. And have a great story. It was fun!

No Coupons

Here, I enclose two conversations my mom and I had on the phone today.

Hi mom
Hi, where are you?
I'm out with a friend. She says hi.
Tell her hi for me!
Are you coming home for dinner?
Yep, when is it?
6:30
Cool! See you then?
Okay sounds good!

Followed by:

Hey mom, I just got asked to go shopping. Can I go?
Sure, what time, can we eat earlier?
Like, 5. Just eat without me.
What will you eat?
We're at Chipotle.
What did you have for lunch?
Chipotle.
Yikes!
Yeah, I think I've eaten enough for the rest of the day, maybe the rest of my life.
So are you going to the mall?
That's the plan.
Can you two take one car?
We were going to...
Good. Do you have any coupons to shop with?
(I burst out laughing) No, mom!
Wait, are you laughing at me? Why don't you have coupons?
(I'm crying from laughter at this point) Okay mom, bye!
Bye...?
Bye.
Bye!

Oh goodness, I love my mom. Cheers from Friday!

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Mistletoe, Really Biebs?

Two things before I start. 1) I'm more of a Justin Bieber fan than I'd like to admit. The whole sugar-coated pop thing reminds me of the nineties, and that's a win. 2) I've been watching a lot of Jenna Marbles and Randall's Animals on Youtube (two things I would highly suggest- look up "honey badger" and you won't regret it), therefore my language is profane. Excuse me.

Okay, here we go. First of all, Justin, it's fucking October. Is Christmas soon? Is it snowing yet? I don't think so. Secondly, this music video is promoting terrible things. He's flirting with this girl and you think that they're an item and stuff, and then he goes and flirts with this random blonde chick and blows off the first girl. So she gets upset (and rightfully so!) until he buys her a dress, which he wraps with a card that tells her that she's his Christmas wish (signed Justin Bieber- I would hope she would know who the fuck you are at this point) and leaves on her bed. How he got into her room undetected, we'll never know. Justin Bieber's secretly a criminal. Then he takes her to this party and makes out with her underneath the mistletoe. So basically, if you're Justin Bieber, you can blow girls off, then win their affection by buying them things and making out with them.

I have several problems with this.
First off, where does one find a random holiday party outside on such short notice? That's unrealistic.
Second, he's driving a soft top convertible. Seriously, you live in California and we don't expect you to know these things, but those of us that live in the midwest know that you don't buy soft top convertibles in places where there's snow. That was a bad move, Biebs. Also, he spends most of the video standing in the middle of a deserted street, singing. In presumably the same place as the random holiday party with all the people. Implying that there would be people. Apparently not on that street!
Third, she was clearly not dressed warmly enough for snow. Tights and heeled booties? Bitch would be slipping all over the place, there is absolutely no traction on snowy roads in general, let alone when you are running to meet your knight in shining Bieber in the middle of a snowy street. She would be on her ass in two seconds flat.
Fourth, the blonde that he was flirting with came to a party with another guy. Whom she kissed under the mistletoe. Is this implying she's a hoe? Absolutely. Bad message....
And lastly, when's the last time you came across FUCKING mistletoe? Really? REALLY? Because for me, that's never. Never been kissed under any sort of mistletoe. Never so much as encountered mistletoe. There's two types of people that put up mistletoe in public places (it's one thing to woo someone with it in private). One, there's the sad, horny bastards that are hoping that someone, somewhere will see their random mistletoe and kiss them underneath it. I'm sorry, but if I met a stranger under mistletoe, first off I probably wouldn't even notice there was mistletoe, and a stranger pointing it out to me just makes them seem desperate. But the only condition I would kiss a stranger underneath mistletoe is if they were super attractive. Does this make me superficial? No. Does this make me selectively spontaneous? Yes. The other type of person that puts mistletoe in public is that one grossly PDA-ey couple that wants to kiss under the mistletoe...in front of everyone. That's just nasty, nobody wants to see you make out, and being under a plant is not an excuse. Mistletoe with people around? Not such an incredible idea, unless they really don't care, and you're in a group of couples. Then it becomes cute until it's taken too far.

One more thing- the lyrics to this song have a very simple meaning. It goes something like this: "I should be doing all this shit to get ready for the holidays (including but not limited to hanging out with my family, making gift lists, and shopping for presents) but I'm literally going to spend all of my time under a plant, making out with you. Shawty." Biebs, you can do better than that. Not your best.

However, it is catchy. And now I've got Christmas on the brain. I guess it was good for something!

A Running List of Epic Fails

So, I'm a little bit of a fail-attractor. Things happen to me that, when I tell other people about them, they agree that these things would only happen to me. My life's just like that. Anyways, I've decided to start a list of things that have epically failed for me recently.


I can't flip a kayak back over after I've capsized. Apparently this is a required skill in my gym class that all my fellow students possess and I do not. I've been in kayaking two semesters already. I should be the pro.
The only thing that I've ever hit with my car is my dad's car, in the driveway, when backing out.
I frequently get scared by my parents and sister, in my house.
I fell down three stairs while getting offstage once, ruined a pair of shoes, tights, and completely killing my leg in the process. Three stairs.
I fell down a separate three stairs and broke my toe.
I punched my friend and broke my hand. He wanted to watch 'Pawn Stars.' I did not. We went to the hospital instead.
I fell off a bunk bed and broke my arm.
A plaque fell on my head during the first week of high school. Off the wall. Wood and metal. Spontaneously. Thank you, architecture. Love you too.
I always lose the most important things and remember the least important.
I choked twice on my saliva in under an hour. To the point of choking to tears.

Don't even get me started about things when it comes to guys. I try to be classy, I really do. Instead, this is what happens.

I fall up hills.
I trip over myself frequently.
I get bled on while making out.
I get headbutted while making out.
I completely have a spasm somehow, anytime I try to be sophisticated.
I can't figure out how to exit a car. P.S. using the handle is suggested.
Something always goes wrong when I try to dress to impress. I straightened my hair to look nice? It chooses to rain. I wear nice heels? I trip. I spend tons of time on my makeup? It, of course, spontaneously messes itself up. Put on a nice dress? Some sort of wardrobe malfunction happens. Don't even try tights, they get runs so easily.

Another thing. You may have noticed that many of these revolve around clumsiness. Guess who was an ice skater for ten years? This girl. One would think that I would've had better balance, given that training. Guess not.

Is it a shock to anyone at this point that my nickname became Bambi because of my inability to stand up on the ice?

Nobody Cares About Your Vacations

Seriously... I was leafing through some random blogs on blogspot, and I came to the realization that, out of the six I saw, three were about vacations that the author had gone on recently, one was devoted to the author's dog (apparently, it's sick), one was full of pictures of fish the author had caught, and the sixth was some devil-slayer-Satan advocate. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm probably the last person to be in a position to say anything about not blogging about pointless things, because hello, have you read what I write? However, I like to think I'm entertaining. I like to think that, mostly, my posts provide some sort of perspective to things. Granted, half of the blog is just venting about my life, but there's some wholesome messages. Maybe not. But at least I'm not a) boasting about my vacations and/or fishing endeavors, b) telling the life story of my dog, or c) promoting Satan. Cheers to that.

What Happened to September?

I realized, just now, that September was a blog-free month for me. Huh. I guess a few things happened in September that facilitated this happening. One, I had homecoming. Now you may say "Homecoming is one day. What's the big deal?" Let me tell you. It was on the twenty-fourth of September. Before August was half through, I had myself a date. Not the problem. The last weekend in August, I went out and bought a dress with my mom. Also not the problem. The first weekend in September (Labor Day weekend, for those who need a memory-jog) was the beginning of the hell that was the Homecoming process. Friday night was spent with a group of people, at a mall, being hit on by a creepy waiter at California Pizza Kitchen (another matter altogether), all frustrated, and nobody bought a dress. That Saturday was spent with myself and four other ladies. We drove almost an hour to go to a mall that was far away, spent the entire day shopping, left with two pieces of cheesecake, four thousand calories of Panda Express' Chow Mein, and three dresses. Every single one of us had a mental breakdown at some point, some of us had more than one. They were over body size, weight, price, anything and everything. Two girls engaged in a physical fight. Two sales clerks got into a fight in front of us. One girl fell up a down escalator. A ring was stolen, either accidentally or purposefully, we'll never know. So that was my Saturday....

Sunday was a lazy day, I had a Skype date with my boyfriend and hung out at my friend's house for his birthday.

Monday may have been the worst. There were four of us at the mall. Countless breakdowns. Two girls tried on the same dress in different colors and loved it. One had already bought a dress, but wanted to keep looking. One fell in love with that dress, and it was the only one that she liked. She ended up buying it. The other girl, after having a breakdown about her weight, bought a hundred-dollar dress for about twenty dollars. She loved the dress. The third girl bought a dress that she will wear to Prom, and borrowed her Homecoming dress. Overall, lots of tears and lots of stress.

But the Homecoming struggle didn't end there. After fighting over where to go to dinner and other things like that, one of my friends got into a huge fight with three of my other friends. The one friend made a lot of people all kinds of upset, and she ended up splitting from the Homecoming group. We eventually got it resolved, about three days later, but those were three SUPER stressful days, let me tell you. She rejoined the group and went with us.Then there was drama over the afterparty/plans after the dance. That got smoothed out too, but it was just a constant struggle of something. I then had to go buy all sorts of ties. I went with several of my guy friends to go purchase ties to coordinate with their date's dresses.

Don't get me wrong: I loved every minute of it. It was just all-consuming of my time and energies. So that was how I spent my September. Cheers.

Letting Go, and a Synopsis of My Day

I had the excellent task of cleaning out my closet today. I never was good at cleaning anything, because I hate getting rid of things. I always feel that the sentimental value of any item outweighs the fact that it its a) years old and b) simply taking up space in my life/room/area. One of the only illogical things about me. Anyways, I was pulling out things from my closet that I wore in my seventh grade yearbook picture. It's been awhile since that's happened.... Overall, I think I was able to eliminate about half of the articles of clothing that were in my closet. At one point, I pulled out a dress that one of my friends, D, wore to the premiere of The Lion King in 3D with thigh-high leopard-print boots. The dress was, again, something that I wore in seventh grade. It's brown with a leopard print ruffle skirt and a leopard print halter tie. She looked, honestly, like an absolute slut in it. She totally knew it too! Anyways, when I went to put it into the pile to donate, my mom looked at me and said "Hey, why don't you give that to D? Didn't she wear it recently?" My response? "Mom, she looked like a prostitute. No way." That was the end of the conversation regarding that dress...

Anywho, my day today was spent cleaning, watching TLC, and watching the Little Rascals for the first time. I can't believe that I've gone through so many years of my life without seeing it! "Darla, I hate your stinkin' guts." My life is complete now, I can die happy.

Fuck Asthma

I'm sick. Not with a cold or with any particular malady, but I can't breathe. This, honestly, sucks as much as it sounds like it does. I tried to fight it, I really did. I lied to myself (and others) about the fact that I was just allergic to everything. When I stopped being able to draw breath, I'm afraid I drew a bit more attention to myself. So I'm stuck at home for the next day, and having just realized how sporadically and unreliably I blog, I'll try to make amends. Also, I got into college, so that's good news.

Sea Anchor

I got together with a very good friend of mine today at Dunkin Donuts to talk. I've been feeling overwhelmed and stressed lately, and I needed a person to talk to. This particular friend of mine is a guidance counselor at a school nearby, and is the one that truly inspired my interest in counseling psychology. After talking things out with him for a while, we got around to what was really on my mind. A certain ex of mine, or rather the memory of him, has been recently in control of decisions I'm making regarding my love life. It was bugging me and I couldn't figure out why, so when the topic came up, I was grateful that someone was going to listen and actually help me. He suggested that my ex boyfriend was like a sea anchor, preventing me from reaching my destination as quickly as I'd like. The destination being my new relationship, with a super amazing guy. He told me I needed to sever the ties holding the sea anchor to my sailboat, because pulling the anchor in would take a whole lot of strength. So this is me, severing my sea anchor ties and moving on, swiftly, towards the harbor. Thank you M.

To My Ex-Boyfriend:

Thank you. Thank you for fucking up my life, and then making a huge dramatic affair about it. I had to break up with you three times because you couldn't get it into your head, so that's awesome. Then you went and told all my friends a twisted story that you concocted that made me look like this horrible person and turned them all against me. I found out tonight that you thought I cheated on you? And you didn't tell me? Fuck you. You should know me better than to think I would ever do anything like that to you, and you should believe me when I say nothing happened on my retreat. You can't handle the thought of me going away for a week? You thought something happened to make me lose interest in you? Do you really think I would lie about anything happening? Thank you, for judging my character correctly, giving me the benefit of the doubt, trusting me, believing me, and knowing me well. Oh wait, you did none of that. Fuck you.

Californ-i-a

Cali was BEAUTIFUL! We spent a few days in King's Canyon and Sequoia national parks, then spent two days in Yosemite and a day in San Francisco. Whilst in Yosemite, we took a rock climbing class on crack climbing and equipment. We were able to learn how to jam ourselves into little crevices and create hand and footholds for ourselves using cracks. We also learned how to smear, which is when you create footholds on solid granite walls using little to no help from the rock. It was fascinating how, in a day, we were able to accomplish so much. After the day we spent in San Francisco (take the cable car, do NOT walk far. You will never walk on such steep inclines in your life), we hit the road to head back to Fresno, where our flight was the next day. We saw advertisements for the Gaylor Garlic Fest, which is apparently really famous, so we stopped by. We had garlic ice cream, which was evidently the special there. It wasn't half bad, actually....
Overall, it was a lovely time of a week.

You're Trying to Blend Chocolate Chips....

   We cut our first vacation a little short, so I had a few days in town before I leave for California tomorrow for a week, on the 7am flight. Remember that guy I posted about in "Love Life? Please..."? The kiss-on-the-cheek guy? Well he's now a kiss-on-the-lips guy. When he heard I'd have a few days in town, he jumped at the chance to invite me over for dinner Saturday night. I hadn't met his family, really, and his sister and her husband were in for the evening too, so the five of us (me, his mom, his sister, her husband, and him) made quite a group. They let me help out a little, then we all sat down to some good eating and some awesome table conversation.
   Background time: from the moment I stepped in that door, I've only felt more welcome in a home when the home was mine. He had told his mom just enough about me so that she had some background and was able to ask me things about my past vacation, my upcoming vacation, school, tons of things. However, he hadn't told her enough so that she was pushy. Wonderful mix. Also, their family laughs more than any other family I've ever encountered, and every moment spent in their presence was a wonderful one. I even was dubbed a nickname- '35', for my ACT score (the context was much more endearing, they said I was too smart to fall for any of their usual riddles and such).  Overall, lovely people. His mom was one of the nicest women ever, and it seemed like both her and the rest of the party viewed me and my friend as an item, but only subtly so that I wouldn't have known he had a thing for me if he hadn't told me at 2:30 the previous morning, in the midst of a massive thunderstorm. I later inferred that he'd clearly talked about me to his family before I got there.
   Anyways, after dinner, the two of us tucked in for a movie and some TV, and he made his moves subtly but surely (that phrase is going to be the next big thing, I swear!), by kissing my cheek, holding my hand, rubbing my arm, the usual. I stayed late due to yet another storm that I didn't want to drive home in, but by the time I finally left, I was treated to the now-familiar kiss on the cheek, along with a kiss on the lips. Slight, restrained, but powerful.
   This morning, we went out to brunch after church and he, being the gentleman, picked up the bill. He then asked me what I wanted to do, and I claimed we should go walk his dogs, because his mom commented how little time they all spent with the dogs after he and his siblings went to school. So we took the dogs for a walk, then went back to the house, where his mom had come back from wherever she was. We sat and chatted for a bit, then she expressed that she should make cookies for that evening, as they were going to a relative's house for dinner. So, we made cookies.
   After a while of beating the batter (they were brownie cookies), he noticed the lumps in it weren't going away. He asked me for my "baking expertise", to which I laid my hand on his arm and said "you're trying to blend chocolate chips." Totally serious, and his mom just lost it. He looked a bit sheepish, and it was all worthwhile. We talked for a while more as the cookies were being done, then he showed me his room. I put on a pair of his shoes right when I walked in, and it took him five minutes to notice. When he did notice, he was all smiles. We talked for a long time, about anything and everything. I then drove him back to his car, where we had left it (at the brunch place). As we were saying goodbye, we shared a longer kiss than the night previous. He texted me about an hour later and told me how his mom wouldn't stop talking about me, and how she said I was really nice. We're keeping up the flirty banter through text, but I don't think either of us are really sure where this thing is going! Oh well, live in the moment.
   He has a stellar memory and remembers details far more often than I. He's the sweetest guy, and I hope to have more to blog about when I come back from California! Cheers.

Lightning

Currently, as I drive home from a roadtrip we took to North Carolina, the night sky is being split by the image of lightning, striking behind a thick cloud layer. Never have I seen something so majestic in my life. That revelation could, however, be the product of sitting in a car all day with nothing but nevershoutnever Pandora, two (and two too many) Nora Roberts novels, and the luxurious road to keep me and my family company. Either way, it's a beautiful and amazing sight.

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Resolution

That ex-boyfriend I posted about a few days ago? I decided to text him today and make ends meet. After assurance that it wasn't a completely tactless method of communication, I composed my carefully crafted thoughts in such a way that confirmed that I had no intentions of throwing myself headlong into another relationship with him, and that I felt defensive as he so carefully backed me into a corner the other week and I lashed out, desperate for some reprive, anything to shift the blame of the situation off myself. The only thing I needed to do, however, was accept responsibility completely for my actions, not my words, and move on, suggesting he do the same. Cheers for finished matters.

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Love life? Please.

It's been a month or so since I last posted- not that any of my "avid followers" missed me, because I have none. But since I last wrote, I broke up with my boyfriend- who isn't letting me go. He's under the impression that I want to get back together with him and so he's got to do all that he can to win me back. He's in Hawaii currently. But another guy came into the picture recently. We'd hung out before this week, once or twice, we're friends, we have a lot of mutual friends. I actually dated one of his close friends two years previous. Anyhow, we hung out on Wednesday night, I gave him a stick shift driving lesson, and we went out to eat. Low-key, after church, no big deal. But when we hugged goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek. Not overly pushy, but flirtatious enough to catch my attention. Tonight, he came over to my house to make puppy chow and watch a movie and TV, and the farewell was the same- a courteous kiss on the cheek. And, as I leave town tomorrow morning for a two week vacation, he asked me when I would be returning- and made sure he knew the answer. He's super friendly and nice, and I'm not sure what exactly is happening at this point. Stay tuned.

Stella

I bought a guitar today. After much deliberation and thinking what I wanted for my birthday, I decided on an acoustic guitar. I think I'm going to name it Stella. Something about being able to pick up an instrument and at any time, play music and sing along will be so rewarding, and I can't wait to learn to play.

End

I participated in the last choir concert of the year recently; the concert where the seniors would be performing for the very last time. The scattering and dispersion of the seniors and the impact on the choral program because of them was all too much to handle. By the end of it, there was not a dry eye on the stage, seniors and others alike. After the concert, a very very close friend of mine came up to me and told me that, because we were friends, he knew how to unicycle a little bit and that he was going to miss me. This shocked me and made me completely break down. This particular friend and I were close in middle school, but he connected closer with other people in high school and he gradually slipped further away. However, with that one comment (I taught him how to unicycle three years ago), he made me realize that you never really know the effect you have on people. I would've completely skimmed over that detail, but because he took the time to remember the littlest fun memories we shared together, he made me believe I truly had an impact on his life. It was the most powerful thing that I've heard in a while, and I'll treasure his friendship to the end. He is the strongest person I've ever met, and he's truly life-changing.

Rise Against

I went to a Rise Against concert recently, and it was more than I could have ever asked for. They played "Swing Life Away" and "Hero of War"- two songs I didn't expect to hear at all. They were absolutely phenomenal, and completely worth the money I paid to go, considering that Four Year Strong and Bad Religion opened for them. Pretty good deal. To anyone who usually goes to concerts: Rise Against did not fall into the traditional pitfall of being worse live than on the recording (nor did Bad Religion, but I didn't go to the concert to see them), they were completely amazing. They reacted to the audience very nicely, and it was an absolutely phenomenal experience. I can die happy now.

Impact

Friendship and camaraderie is a curious thing. Many friendships and, in general, relationships between people are formed on a mutuality of something: an interest, a belief, a cause, a dream. The list is endless. However, there comes a point in that relationship where trust needs to be established, and one person has to let another into their lives and trust them with information. The act of opening up to someone or having someone open up to you is an essential part of the human experience, and it is one of the most surefire ways to establish a real relationship. Knowing someone's story or their thoughts or their struggles makes you that much more connected to them, because we tend to display empathy across the human race; that is, we internalize everything that people say and try to relate it to something, anything, in our own lives. This allows us to establish and maintain positive, understanding relationships for years to come. In any case, having someone share a secret with you means something, something more than merely a surface scratch. Knowing someone trusts you enough to open up to you leaves a lasting mark on personalities, and it leaves permanent impact. The way that we impact and influence people in our lives is by making a true connection with them and displaying support and empathy. Human connection is important, and only possible if someone initiates that leap of faith out of their comfort zone and displays their vulnerable but human side.

Who cares?

I'm not sure. My hope is that random people will come across this on the internet and enjoy it, but I fear that won't be the case. However, letting random people into my thoughts doesn't seem so bad. The real question becomes this: will I let my friends read it? If you know me personally and are reading this, then the question is answered. If I talk about my life, will people get offended? Will I modify what I say because I know who'll read it? How narcissistic is my desire for attention? We'll see. So far, so good in the blogging world.

ACT? Please.

Tomorrow, many students in Illinois will be taking the ACT. If you're familiar with it, I'm sorry. If you aren't, stop reading and spare yourself. Okay, okay, it isn't that bad. There has to be some way to measure your intelligence/achievement on ONE scale, so that every college can see how you stack up in the nation. However, sitting in a room with my peers, taking one test for four hours hardly sounds like a good time. Also, there's way too much pressure on it. It's one day. One test. So maybe you choke. Now you're doomed to take it again to appease potential college choices, counselors, parents... The pressure to get "just one more point" is so high, it's stupid. I'm not saying ditch the whole operation all together, because I think it's necessary (although incredibly inconvenient and overrated). I, just like every other high school student, am just angsty. So students, if you're taking the ACT tomorrow, next month, next year, or ever, I wish you good luck. Treat it like a game, try to outsmart the system. It may not raise your score, but it does make you more confident and take some of the pressure and monotony out of the equation. On that note, I'd better brush up on my math....

The Beginning?

This whole blogging thing is new to me, I'll be honest. It's something that I probably should have started a long time ago, but didn't. Story of my life. Anyways, I should warn you: what you find here may not be to your liking, and I'm fine with that. Sharing my story is something that I've wanted to do for a while, but have never gotten the chance to do because moments of inspiration come to me most often when I'm alone, and in no position to break out the diary and scribble some sentences to myself about my day. This will be a reflection of myself, and if you like it then fantastic. Now you've got fair warning. Oh, I should probably tell you about myself. I'm a high school student in Illinois, and that's about it for that. I'm into music and theater, but psychology and biology are where it's at in regards to schools. You'll notice as I post more: almost everything I say is laced with psychological undertones. I'm someone who'll have your back, no matter what, and I'm a terrific listener. Nothing you say in confidence to me will ever be repeated or show up anywhere, pinky promise. I'm passionate about what I love, and I love what I do. Friends are my life, and I have some terrific ones. Family's really important to me, and in my case it's a complex issue. We'll get into that. I'm a positive influence on those around me, and I better people's lives. I truly believe that. Now that I've made myself sound perfect, I have a disclaimer: I'm human. I get upset and sarcastic and completely withdraw from society. I have breakdowns and moments of complete dorkiness. I trip ALL the time. I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. I'm done hiding myself behind masks, a former habit of mine, so what you see is what you get. If you're still reading, you probably are someone that already cares about me quite a great deal or someone who I'd be interested in getting to know better, because you're willing to listen to me ramble. That's all for this post (don't want to be overwhelming), goodnight!