Friendships?

I wish I could take a break from my life long enough to realize what's wrong.

The issue, besides the fact that I don't want to seem weak, is the fact that I never seem to be able to figure out what's wrong, even when I am concentrating on finding a solution. I've blamed stress, blamed it on having an off day or a bad week, or even on the drama of my friends. But how long is it going to take before I realize that there may be something bigger happening here?

That's a bit of an irrelevant question. I've determined that whatever is bothering me isn't doing so in a purely obvious way, so that means that I've already realized it deserves further investigation. I think the real reason I don't want to figure things out is because a. I'm scared of what the results are, and b. I don't want to expose my weaknesses. But the fact of the matter is that I'm not happy with something in my life right now. I'm not happy with where I'm at, who I'm with, what I'm doing, etc. And yes, there are a lot of things in everyone's life that make them unhappy, but they deserve to be acknowledged. I just can't do that with my own issues.

One of the things that I think is really the problem is my social situation. I've never been one strong enough to ask for help, so that's an immediate barrier between myself and others. Nothing has ever been safe in my circle of friends, and weaknesses tend to be exploited. We're like a soap opera, I truly mean that. We're vicious and nasty, and all we do is talk about the "weakest link" behind their back. It's awful. I'm not saying that I'm innocent of this, but it does make me think twice about who to tell things to, or if I'm being judged based on what I do and say. I've been criticized far too many times to be confident within my group of friends, and as much as we say we love each other, we truly don't. I don't feel like anyone has my back, and that's hard. Going through every day, not knowing which ones of your friends are trashing you behind your back is a really rough battle to fight constantly. When any of us tells another to keep something a secret, that's irrelevant, because we go blabbing about it anyways. Our group is full of two-faced bitches. That's the plain and blatant truth. There isn't anyone I can vent to, because I don't want everyone to know what I say to that one person. There isn't any form of release, and it's a really unhealthy environment for all of us to be in. I can't tell anyone anything. Truly. I feel close with maybe one of them at a time, and that's just not a good situation. We never hang out anymore, and we're basically all passing time until we get away from each other. I'm worried that these friendships aren't meaningful or lasting.

I needed to get that out. There isn't any redeeming qualities about my core group of school friends. They leave me out of things, they don't invite me when they hang out. When they do hang out with me, they do nothing but talk about more fun things that happened when I wasn't there, and everyone seems to not notice when I disappear for a while. We're on different wavelengths: when they get crazy, I think they take things too far, but if you tell them that, they flip out and make fun of you. I'm not the only one this has happened to.

I'm being a bad friend to them too, I know that, but it makes it really hard to care about a group of such supportive people. I don't communicate with them because I honestly have such a hard time putting so much time and effort into something that I don't get to reap the benefits of. This has been a lot of hating on my friends, but it isn't their faults. Truly. I love them, even if they're the meanest people at times.

I guess that's what happens when I get upset on Sunday nights when I should be cleaning my room.