A Running List of Epic Fails

So, I'm a little bit of a fail-attractor. Things happen to me that, when I tell other people about them, they agree that these things would only happen to me. My life's just like that. Anyways, I've decided to start a list of things that have epically failed for me recently.


I can't flip a kayak back over after I've capsized. Apparently this is a required skill in my gym class that all my fellow students possess and I do not. I've been in kayaking two semesters already. I should be the pro.
The only thing that I've ever hit with my car is my dad's car, in the driveway, when backing out.
I frequently get scared by my parents and sister, in my house.
I fell down three stairs while getting offstage once, ruined a pair of shoes, tights, and completely killing my leg in the process. Three stairs.
I fell down a separate three stairs and broke my toe.
I punched my friend and broke my hand. He wanted to watch 'Pawn Stars.' I did not. We went to the hospital instead.
I fell off a bunk bed and broke my arm.
A plaque fell on my head during the first week of high school. Off the wall. Wood and metal. Spontaneously. Thank you, architecture. Love you too.
I always lose the most important things and remember the least important.
I choked twice on my saliva in under an hour. To the point of choking to tears.

Don't even get me started about things when it comes to guys. I try to be classy, I really do. Instead, this is what happens.

I fall up hills.
I trip over myself frequently.
I get bled on while making out.
I get headbutted while making out.
I completely have a spasm somehow, anytime I try to be sophisticated.
I can't figure out how to exit a car. P.S. using the handle is suggested.
Something always goes wrong when I try to dress to impress. I straightened my hair to look nice? It chooses to rain. I wear nice heels? I trip. I spend tons of time on my makeup? It, of course, spontaneously messes itself up. Put on a nice dress? Some sort of wardrobe malfunction happens. Don't even try tights, they get runs so easily.

Another thing. You may have noticed that many of these revolve around clumsiness. Guess who was an ice skater for ten years? This girl. One would think that I would've had better balance, given that training. Guess not.

Is it a shock to anyone at this point that my nickname became Bambi because of my inability to stand up on the ice?