Halloween 2011

Okay, I love you dearly, but there's something that I must say to you.

Going to a Halloween party in a barely-there costume and drinking is not an appropriate substitute for the drug/alcohol free weekend retreat you could've been on. Additionally, drunk trick-or-treating should NOT be your reward to yourself for finishing college applications. That's a horrible system you have for yourself. You wanna know what I gave myself when I finished college apps for the November 1 deadline? A nap.

What did I do tonight, you may ask? Watched Silence of the Lambs and The Sing Off. And got ahead on college applications.

Anyways, Happy Halloween. Hope yours was enjoyable!

"Mr. Right Now" by Putbull ft. Akon

"My name is not Mr. Right,
But you can be my Mrs. Tonight.
I know you're looking for a good guy,
But I can guarantee a good time.
My name is not Mr. Right,
But you can by my Mrs. Tonight.
I know we're only fooling around.
I'm never gonna be your Mr. Right,
But I'ma be your Mr. Right Now"

Seriously?

Translation:
"I'm not good for you,
But we can sleep together tonight.
I know you're looking for something worthwile,
But I'm fun.
Again, I'm not good for you,
I still want to sleep with you.
This doesn't mean anything
It isn't going anywhere,
But you're going to sleep with me tonight."

Good thing Pitbull and Akon are so moral, and that popular music is promoting good things. No wonder we still have a problem with objectifying women and treating them differently than men.

Hello, Chicago River

Our story was that a wave caught us wrong and just capsized it because we were leaning slightly to the left. So, here's what really happened. My friend and  I were in a tandem kayak, and on mile 5, we found ourselves in the freezing water of the Chicago river. How did this happen, you may ask? Well, we certainly didn't choose to be treading water in sweats and rain boots, if that's what you mean. By the way, treading water in rain boots sucks. Never try it. Anyways, we viewed it as a kind-of karma retribution thing. See, we had been going around pulling people's kayak rudders out of the water, so they couldn't steer as easily. It didn't do any lasting damage, but until they realized it, it was funny to see them be confused as to why they could no longer use the rudder pedals to any effect. It was slightly mean, I'll admit, but it was all in good fun and nobody got hurt. Except our prides.

At the particular moment that the wake from a passing boat struck us (and yes, there really WAS a wake!) my friend was leaning out of the boat to try and pull somebody else's rudder out of the water. I did not know this at the time, and so I had no problem telling the wave story, because I thought it was true. It wasn't until later that I found out that we had tipped over in an act of failed sabotage. Talk about karma.

My first reaction was to laugh. Hers was to scream at the top of her lungs. Needless to say, we attracted a lot of attention to ourselves, very quickly. Luckily we were wearing life vests. If we hadn't, my sweatpants, sweatshirt, rain jacket, t-shirt, leggings, Under Armour, and rain boots would have dragged me straight down. All those layers had helped me stay warm while they were dry, but they proved to be a bit of a nuisance when they were all wet. She continued to scream, while I continued to laugh, we both continued to float, and the teachers and leaders began to pull our kayak out of the water, onto their kayaks. They somehow drained most of the water, then asked us to sort-of flop in the kayak. The problem was that we couldn't swim in all those layers. At all. My boots were filling with water, I was waterlogged, there were several problems. Anyways, we eventually got into the boat and we began to take off our wet layers. We both got down to our Under Armour and leggings, wrapped in towels, and put our life jackets back on. We strapped everything that was wet to the back of the kayak, and started to use this pump thing to bail out our kayak. Once we got into the sun, it was fine and we began to dry off. However, it was still obnoxious to lay out our wet clothing, tote it home, and walk around in leggings instead of pants. We had a full conversation about how much we hated wearing leggings as pants, and I still don't understand how some people do it. At all. I mean, some girls do it. And seem to be fine with it! But if I had any negative feelings about doing so, they have tripled. It's awkward, you feel exposed, it's just really bad.

So that was my day. Afterwards, we ate lots of fries. And have a great story. It was fun!

No Coupons

Here, I enclose two conversations my mom and I had on the phone today.

Hi mom
Hi, where are you?
I'm out with a friend. She says hi.
Tell her hi for me!
Are you coming home for dinner?
Yep, when is it?
6:30
Cool! See you then?
Okay sounds good!

Followed by:

Hey mom, I just got asked to go shopping. Can I go?
Sure, what time, can we eat earlier?
Like, 5. Just eat without me.
What will you eat?
We're at Chipotle.
What did you have for lunch?
Chipotle.
Yikes!
Yeah, I think I've eaten enough for the rest of the day, maybe the rest of my life.
So are you going to the mall?
That's the plan.
Can you two take one car?
We were going to...
Good. Do you have any coupons to shop with?
(I burst out laughing) No, mom!
Wait, are you laughing at me? Why don't you have coupons?
(I'm crying from laughter at this point) Okay mom, bye!
Bye...?
Bye.
Bye!

Oh goodness, I love my mom. Cheers from Friday!

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Mistletoe, Really Biebs?

Two things before I start. 1) I'm more of a Justin Bieber fan than I'd like to admit. The whole sugar-coated pop thing reminds me of the nineties, and that's a win. 2) I've been watching a lot of Jenna Marbles and Randall's Animals on Youtube (two things I would highly suggest- look up "honey badger" and you won't regret it), therefore my language is profane. Excuse me.

Okay, here we go. First of all, Justin, it's fucking October. Is Christmas soon? Is it snowing yet? I don't think so. Secondly, this music video is promoting terrible things. He's flirting with this girl and you think that they're an item and stuff, and then he goes and flirts with this random blonde chick and blows off the first girl. So she gets upset (and rightfully so!) until he buys her a dress, which he wraps with a card that tells her that she's his Christmas wish (signed Justin Bieber- I would hope she would know who the fuck you are at this point) and leaves on her bed. How he got into her room undetected, we'll never know. Justin Bieber's secretly a criminal. Then he takes her to this party and makes out with her underneath the mistletoe. So basically, if you're Justin Bieber, you can blow girls off, then win their affection by buying them things and making out with them.

I have several problems with this.
First off, where does one find a random holiday party outside on such short notice? That's unrealistic.
Second, he's driving a soft top convertible. Seriously, you live in California and we don't expect you to know these things, but those of us that live in the midwest know that you don't buy soft top convertibles in places where there's snow. That was a bad move, Biebs. Also, he spends most of the video standing in the middle of a deserted street, singing. In presumably the same place as the random holiday party with all the people. Implying that there would be people. Apparently not on that street!
Third, she was clearly not dressed warmly enough for snow. Tights and heeled booties? Bitch would be slipping all over the place, there is absolutely no traction on snowy roads in general, let alone when you are running to meet your knight in shining Bieber in the middle of a snowy street. She would be on her ass in two seconds flat.
Fourth, the blonde that he was flirting with came to a party with another guy. Whom she kissed under the mistletoe. Is this implying she's a hoe? Absolutely. Bad message....
And lastly, when's the last time you came across FUCKING mistletoe? Really? REALLY? Because for me, that's never. Never been kissed under any sort of mistletoe. Never so much as encountered mistletoe. There's two types of people that put up mistletoe in public places (it's one thing to woo someone with it in private). One, there's the sad, horny bastards that are hoping that someone, somewhere will see their random mistletoe and kiss them underneath it. I'm sorry, but if I met a stranger under mistletoe, first off I probably wouldn't even notice there was mistletoe, and a stranger pointing it out to me just makes them seem desperate. But the only condition I would kiss a stranger underneath mistletoe is if they were super attractive. Does this make me superficial? No. Does this make me selectively spontaneous? Yes. The other type of person that puts mistletoe in public is that one grossly PDA-ey couple that wants to kiss under the mistletoe...in front of everyone. That's just nasty, nobody wants to see you make out, and being under a plant is not an excuse. Mistletoe with people around? Not such an incredible idea, unless they really don't care, and you're in a group of couples. Then it becomes cute until it's taken too far.

One more thing- the lyrics to this song have a very simple meaning. It goes something like this: "I should be doing all this shit to get ready for the holidays (including but not limited to hanging out with my family, making gift lists, and shopping for presents) but I'm literally going to spend all of my time under a plant, making out with you. Shawty." Biebs, you can do better than that. Not your best.

However, it is catchy. And now I've got Christmas on the brain. I guess it was good for something!

A Running List of Epic Fails

So, I'm a little bit of a fail-attractor. Things happen to me that, when I tell other people about them, they agree that these things would only happen to me. My life's just like that. Anyways, I've decided to start a list of things that have epically failed for me recently.


I can't flip a kayak back over after I've capsized. Apparently this is a required skill in my gym class that all my fellow students possess and I do not. I've been in kayaking two semesters already. I should be the pro.
The only thing that I've ever hit with my car is my dad's car, in the driveway, when backing out.
I frequently get scared by my parents and sister, in my house.
I fell down three stairs while getting offstage once, ruined a pair of shoes, tights, and completely killing my leg in the process. Three stairs.
I fell down a separate three stairs and broke my toe.
I punched my friend and broke my hand. He wanted to watch 'Pawn Stars.' I did not. We went to the hospital instead.
I fell off a bunk bed and broke my arm.
A plaque fell on my head during the first week of high school. Off the wall. Wood and metal. Spontaneously. Thank you, architecture. Love you too.
I always lose the most important things and remember the least important.
I choked twice on my saliva in under an hour. To the point of choking to tears.

Don't even get me started about things when it comes to guys. I try to be classy, I really do. Instead, this is what happens.

I fall up hills.
I trip over myself frequently.
I get bled on while making out.
I get headbutted while making out.
I completely have a spasm somehow, anytime I try to be sophisticated.
I can't figure out how to exit a car. P.S. using the handle is suggested.
Something always goes wrong when I try to dress to impress. I straightened my hair to look nice? It chooses to rain. I wear nice heels? I trip. I spend tons of time on my makeup? It, of course, spontaneously messes itself up. Put on a nice dress? Some sort of wardrobe malfunction happens. Don't even try tights, they get runs so easily.

Another thing. You may have noticed that many of these revolve around clumsiness. Guess who was an ice skater for ten years? This girl. One would think that I would've had better balance, given that training. Guess not.

Is it a shock to anyone at this point that my nickname became Bambi because of my inability to stand up on the ice?

Nobody Cares About Your Vacations

Seriously... I was leafing through some random blogs on blogspot, and I came to the realization that, out of the six I saw, three were about vacations that the author had gone on recently, one was devoted to the author's dog (apparently, it's sick), one was full of pictures of fish the author had caught, and the sixth was some devil-slayer-Satan advocate. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm probably the last person to be in a position to say anything about not blogging about pointless things, because hello, have you read what I write? However, I like to think I'm entertaining. I like to think that, mostly, my posts provide some sort of perspective to things. Granted, half of the blog is just venting about my life, but there's some wholesome messages. Maybe not. But at least I'm not a) boasting about my vacations and/or fishing endeavors, b) telling the life story of my dog, or c) promoting Satan. Cheers to that.

What Happened to September?

I realized, just now, that September was a blog-free month for me. Huh. I guess a few things happened in September that facilitated this happening. One, I had homecoming. Now you may say "Homecoming is one day. What's the big deal?" Let me tell you. It was on the twenty-fourth of September. Before August was half through, I had myself a date. Not the problem. The last weekend in August, I went out and bought a dress with my mom. Also not the problem. The first weekend in September (Labor Day weekend, for those who need a memory-jog) was the beginning of the hell that was the Homecoming process. Friday night was spent with a group of people, at a mall, being hit on by a creepy waiter at California Pizza Kitchen (another matter altogether), all frustrated, and nobody bought a dress. That Saturday was spent with myself and four other ladies. We drove almost an hour to go to a mall that was far away, spent the entire day shopping, left with two pieces of cheesecake, four thousand calories of Panda Express' Chow Mein, and three dresses. Every single one of us had a mental breakdown at some point, some of us had more than one. They were over body size, weight, price, anything and everything. Two girls engaged in a physical fight. Two sales clerks got into a fight in front of us. One girl fell up a down escalator. A ring was stolen, either accidentally or purposefully, we'll never know. So that was my Saturday....

Sunday was a lazy day, I had a Skype date with my boyfriend and hung out at my friend's house for his birthday.

Monday may have been the worst. There were four of us at the mall. Countless breakdowns. Two girls tried on the same dress in different colors and loved it. One had already bought a dress, but wanted to keep looking. One fell in love with that dress, and it was the only one that she liked. She ended up buying it. The other girl, after having a breakdown about her weight, bought a hundred-dollar dress for about twenty dollars. She loved the dress. The third girl bought a dress that she will wear to Prom, and borrowed her Homecoming dress. Overall, lots of tears and lots of stress.

But the Homecoming struggle didn't end there. After fighting over where to go to dinner and other things like that, one of my friends got into a huge fight with three of my other friends. The one friend made a lot of people all kinds of upset, and she ended up splitting from the Homecoming group. We eventually got it resolved, about three days later, but those were three SUPER stressful days, let me tell you. She rejoined the group and went with us.Then there was drama over the afterparty/plans after the dance. That got smoothed out too, but it was just a constant struggle of something. I then had to go buy all sorts of ties. I went with several of my guy friends to go purchase ties to coordinate with their date's dresses.

Don't get me wrong: I loved every minute of it. It was just all-consuming of my time and energies. So that was how I spent my September. Cheers.

Letting Go, and a Synopsis of My Day

I had the excellent task of cleaning out my closet today. I never was good at cleaning anything, because I hate getting rid of things. I always feel that the sentimental value of any item outweighs the fact that it its a) years old and b) simply taking up space in my life/room/area. One of the only illogical things about me. Anyways, I was pulling out things from my closet that I wore in my seventh grade yearbook picture. It's been awhile since that's happened.... Overall, I think I was able to eliminate about half of the articles of clothing that were in my closet. At one point, I pulled out a dress that one of my friends, D, wore to the premiere of The Lion King in 3D with thigh-high leopard-print boots. The dress was, again, something that I wore in seventh grade. It's brown with a leopard print ruffle skirt and a leopard print halter tie. She looked, honestly, like an absolute slut in it. She totally knew it too! Anyways, when I went to put it into the pile to donate, my mom looked at me and said "Hey, why don't you give that to D? Didn't she wear it recently?" My response? "Mom, she looked like a prostitute. No way." That was the end of the conversation regarding that dress...

Anywho, my day today was spent cleaning, watching TLC, and watching the Little Rascals for the first time. I can't believe that I've gone through so many years of my life without seeing it! "Darla, I hate your stinkin' guts." My life is complete now, I can die happy.

Fuck Asthma

I'm sick. Not with a cold or with any particular malady, but I can't breathe. This, honestly, sucks as much as it sounds like it does. I tried to fight it, I really did. I lied to myself (and others) about the fact that I was just allergic to everything. When I stopped being able to draw breath, I'm afraid I drew a bit more attention to myself. So I'm stuck at home for the next day, and having just realized how sporadically and unreliably I blog, I'll try to make amends. Also, I got into college, so that's good news.

Sea Anchor

I got together with a very good friend of mine today at Dunkin Donuts to talk. I've been feeling overwhelmed and stressed lately, and I needed a person to talk to. This particular friend of mine is a guidance counselor at a school nearby, and is the one that truly inspired my interest in counseling psychology. After talking things out with him for a while, we got around to what was really on my mind. A certain ex of mine, or rather the memory of him, has been recently in control of decisions I'm making regarding my love life. It was bugging me and I couldn't figure out why, so when the topic came up, I was grateful that someone was going to listen and actually help me. He suggested that my ex boyfriend was like a sea anchor, preventing me from reaching my destination as quickly as I'd like. The destination being my new relationship, with a super amazing guy. He told me I needed to sever the ties holding the sea anchor to my sailboat, because pulling the anchor in would take a whole lot of strength. So this is me, severing my sea anchor ties and moving on, swiftly, towards the harbor. Thank you M.