Insecurities

I only achieve happiness when I’m distracted.

This is a fundamental problem, then for me. Because if I’m only happy when I’m not thinking about my feelings and my thoughts, then does that mean I dislike myself? Or does it mean that I do like myself, just hate when I can’t express them? Nobody understands me, either way. There’s nobody that I can talk to about my feelings, including those that I call my best friends. Every person that I wish I could call my best friend has or had feelings for me, so talking things out with them is sometimes a struggle. Either that, or they're shallow, condescending bitches. To the rest of them, I support my friends through anything and everything that they need supporting through. They see me as the strong one, and have stopped asking whether or not I’m okay. This is unfortunate because, most of the time lately, the real answer has been no.

I just cannot believe how confused that I am. There’s never been a time in my life when I’ve been more unsure about what to do or what I’m doing with my life. A lot of choices have to be made very very soon, and I don’t think that I’m ready or qualified to let go of what I have going for me. I miss the person that I was when I was dating my boyfriend. Because he wasn’t involved directly in all aspects of my life, I was able to forget about everything while talking to him, if only for an hour. It was nice. What he didn’t know, we didn’t talk about, and what he did know, he supported me through. I laughed. I was happy.

Then reality had to suck and life had to get complicated. Now I’m just so incredibly upset all the time, because I have decisions looming over me. What to do this summer. Who to reconnect with before I leave in the fall. Where to go in the fall. My mother, of course, prefers that I stay in Wisconsin or Michigan, but California holds some excellent prospects for me and, let’s face it, how upset would I be if I didn’t take the opportunity and go to California? But right now, I can’t imagine leaving anything behind and going anywhere. It scares the living shit out of me to think of losing all of my friends next year. Terrifies me. And if I can’t conjure up a strong support system for myself soon, I’m going to be so lost. I don’t have someone I can call on a bad day that understands me, and so going through times of transition has always sucked a lot for me. But now that it’s so new and different, and I’m uprooting my entire life, its going to be harder than ever before. I don’t know how I’m going to make it, and what I’m going to do when I leave. When I only have myself.

When there’s nothing left to distract me. How will I react? Will I finally be able to achieve a point of happiness and contentedness with myself? I’m terrified. I graduate in 28 days. And every time I think about it, a lump comes to my throat and I start to tear up.