The Decision

This has been weighing on me for quite some time. The decision that will put me, locationally, in a different place for the next four years of my life. A decision that I can't seem to make for fear of those around me not approving of my choice.

Hello, A. Wake the fuck up. This is your life, your decision, and you can do this.

But what if I can't? Or worse, what if I really can? I believe that that's the bigger question here. I think that my mind's been made up for about a week now. But, I've had conversations on end with people, claiming that I don't know what to do, or what to choose. One occurred at 5:00 in the morning, and it was with debateably the one person that takes the time to listen to what I'm saying. Three separate ones occurred with my parents, all of which led to tears. The moment of realization came this afternoon, when my dad asked me "you've made up your mind, haven't you?" I couldn't say no, because the answer was yes. I have made up my mind.

I have made my decision.

I can't tell my mom, because just today she suggested that I commit to two places and wait until the summer to make a decision. I told her, quite frankly and honestly, that I'd rather punch myself in the face repeatedly than prolong this any longer than May 1.

I can't tell most of my friends, because whenever I so much as mention California, they talk about how expensive it is, how they would never go there, and the conversation no longer involves me. I'm an outsider, watching them shoot down my possible plans and ambitions. And it hurts like hell.

I can't admit it to myself. I'm so afraid of losing control and of change that it terrifies me to make such a big choice, even though I know what's better for me.

All I want is for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me that they think I can do it. That they're proud of me. That they want me to follow my dreams. That they want what I want. Someone to stick up for me and confirm my thoughts that this is what's good for me, that this is what I need. I want someone to hear the news, and not get disappointed, or talk about how it's a bad move, but to tell me that they're happy for me, that they think I'll succeed, and that they're proud of me.

I want someone on my side in the me vs. the world battle.

Knowing all of this means that once I leave, I cannot fail. I cannot even think about the possibility of failure, because the last thing I want to hear is "I told you so." There's no way that I can fail. No cop-out, no easy way out. I have to succeed.

Yes, it's a risk. I know that. But my heart's in it, and there's no changing that.

I'm going to Berkeley.

I'm pretty sure I can do it. I just want someone else to believe in me.