I'm going to use the age-old example of getting rid of unwanted hair. Let it be known that I'm not unladylike. I just don't have excellent composure all the time, don't get mani-pedis every weekend, and don't know all the designers by hand. I enjoy being a girl, but am by no means someone who allows girly things to run my life. I roll out of bed twenty minutes before I leave for school, and the most effort I put into my hairstyle most of the time is just braiding it. I don't wear makeup most days, and generally don't care what I look like.
That being said, this is pre-Prom. Debatabley the second most important/glamorous day in a girl's life (after her wedding, of course), and the culmination of her high school experience. Everyone goes through rigorous beauty rituals (makeup, nails, flowers, shaving, some tan, some do their eyebrows, uncomfortable shoes, uncomfortable dresses, some diet, etc.) in order to be perfect. This, for me, involved the hair on my legs and underarms.
I didn't feel like shaving, and I still had some Veet left from spring break, so I decided to use that instead of a razor. These are the instructions that were on the bottle:
"5 STEPS TO BEAUTIFUL TOUCHABLY SMOOTH SKIN
1. Read precautions before use. Before showering, take the outer cap off the bottle, remove the sponge from inside the cap and apply the cream evenly onto dry skin using the soft, colored side of the dry sponge. Ensure the area you want to remove hair from is completely covered with cream. DO NOT RUB IN. Wash hands thoroughly."
This seemed easy enough to me. Read precautions (most of which were ignored), take sponge, spread cream. Dry skin, check. I used it on both of my legs before moving along in the directions. Although I'm not sure how "completely covered" is defined. I did my best. Also, it's pretty freaking hard to evenly cover all of your legs, including the back of your thighs, while balancing on one leg and not touching your other Veet-slathered leg to anything. It takes extreme coordination, and I'm sure I looked ridiculous.
"2. Once applied, wait for 2 minutes before stepping into the shower."
Wait, what? It took me ten minutes to apply this damn cream to both of my legs. Are they expecting you to do this in exactly 0 seconds, so that all the cream is on for exactly 2 minutes? And I couldn't do one leg at a time because it has to be dry skin. Oh well, not a whole lot I can do at this point except move on.
"3. During your normal shower routine, leave the cream on for 3 minutes by timing carefully. Don't worry if some cream gradually washes away when in contact with running water. To prevent cream from washing off too soon, avoid exposing those parts of the body covered with cream to the direct stream of water within the first 3 minutes in the shower."
Okay, so I've already had this cream on for ten plus minutes. Out of the three minutes, is the timing essential? Or the fact that you're in the shower with it on? Does the steam activate some chemical reaction or something? I'm stumped. So I get into the shower, then realize a problem. I have both of my legs and armpits covered in this thing, and I'm not supposed to expose them to running water. What the hell am I supposed to do for 3 "carefully-timed" minutes? The result was an absurd backbend-like thing so that I could wet my hair under the shower. And who the hell brings a timer into the shower with them? I'm so far off this track that it isn't funny. But I truck onward after what I think is three minutes.
"4. Gently use the white side of the sponge to test a small area. If hair comes away easily, remove the rest of the remaining traces of cream with the white side of the sponge by massaging in circular motion. If needed, leave the cream on for a bit longer WITHOUT EXCEEDING 10 MINUTES of total application time. The soft, colored side can be used for sensitive areas."
Oops. Shit. I've WAY exceeded 10 minutes at this point. Like, way way. Also, the white side of my sponge had, like, corroded since the last time I used it, and it was flaking off all over the place. Not an extremely comforting feeling or result. There was nothing relaxing about massaging it all over my leg. Especially with the 15-minute-old cream on it. I don't even understand how that 10 minute thing is possible. Either the person that these instructions has extremely low leg surface area, or these are just completely unachievable. Now I'm feeling like a failure because I can't even apply hair removal cream correctly.
"5. RINSE YOUR SKIN thoroughly under the shower after use. Make sure the bottle is snapped closed and replace the cap onto the bottle. Rinse the sponge and dry it before replacing it back inside the cap. Store in an upright position."
At this point, I rinse my legs off and such. Then, I just throw that gross-ass sponge back into the cap, relatively dry.
Now I have to blowout my hair.
As per my stylists request, I had to dry my hair with a hairdryer (something I haven't done since 2009, at least) and a brush so that it's straighter than natural. I've never done this before, and so attempt to begin.
Ten minutes and no progress later, I give up. If my hair dries relatively straight, she can work with it tomorrow at the salon. My attempt with my hairdryer was even less successful than my attempt with the Veet. Overall, my evening preparation has neither been easy nor a big win. Oh boy.
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