New Years Eve... What?

I know I dropped off the face of the planet for a while, and I apologize. I was doing several things that didn't involve an internet connection, such as being in conservative North Carolina with my conservative family, and going on lots of dates with my boyfriend when I was not in North Carolina. I've also been shirking responsibility, pretending to clean my house in order to host a New Years party, and lying to myself that I will, in fact, lose ten pounds by NYE (aka, tonight) in order to look super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot in my new red dress. Good game, good game. I probably gained ten instead.

Anyways, I'm afraid I haven't been feeling very poetic lately. And in my opinion, a bad blog entry isn't worth your time. So I've spared you, but I feel like I owe you one. It's been a while, hasn't it? And I miss you. So this one is for you guys.

Making New Years resolutions has always been hard for me, except for one year. I was probably clinically depressed, albeit undiagnosed, and my New Years resolution was that I was going to be happier. It worked. But since then, I've done the traditional "work out more"- lasted me through the middle of February and I got lazy. Last year I don't even think that I had one, and if I did, I failed miserably. Things were a lot different 365 days ago. I had a group of friends that wasn't crumbling apart, a stable handle on where my life was going to be for the next year, an extremely strong set of morals, a nonexistent doubt in life, and a naive projection for the future. Some of those things I still posses, but some I do not.

To be honest, I don't know what 2012 will bring. This is a very pivotal point in my life, and there are a lot of things that I'm not certain about. I don't know where I'll be- geographically, mentally, spiritually, and in my relationships with others. I can't honestly imagine what life is going to be like 365 days from now. And that thought terrifies me.

However, there are certain things to look forward to. For example, I'm not sure I'll ever lose my insecurity or my fear of the unknown, and that's a comforting thought. Seriously. It's good to know that some things will be constant, amidst the incredible change about to take place.

This thought process is inconclusive, and so is this entry. I'll check back in with you in 2012. Peace out, bitches.

Forever yours, A.G.

Quick Recap

I feel particularly obligated to blog today, and I don't know why. It's fairly early in the evening for me, but I suppose that's a bad thing. I need to get my sleep schedule back on track.

Today has been the most fun that I've had in a while. It was filled with amazing people and amazing conversation. I baked cookies with my best friend, her love interest, and my boyfriend today, and we laughed so hard we thought we were going to cry. We kept one another on our toes all afternoon, and it was amazingly fun. I miss them all.

I then went back to my boyfriend's house for a family dinner. Of course, we sat at the table for close to two hours afterwards, just talking and laughing. His family are truly some of the most amazing people that I've ever met, and I always feel extremely blessed to spend as much time with them as I do. It's a breath of fresh air, and it always warms my heart to see a family interact in such a way as theirs do. They're genuinely happy people that are genuinely happy to be spending time together. Also, they're hilarious, which doesn't hurt.

Hopefully I'll be in a more poetic mood as Christmas comes along. By the way, regardless of whatever holiday you celebrate, I hope it's a happy, joyous, merry one.

This Week = WTF

I literally cannot comprehend the amount of things going on in my head right now. Coming from someone who constantly has approximately seventy six things going through her head at any given moment, that's saying something.

I can't even start at a coherent point in my day, that's how disoriented I am. First off, my sister is on crutches for the next four weeks or so because she tore her MCL a little and has a contusion on her bone or something. I don't know, but she's out for a while. Which is awesome for her, and it makes me sad. She's flying with crutches to North Carolina I suppose. Why is she always injured when we take planes places?

Then, there's the fact that it's finals week. I hate finals. They stress me out, even though I don't care about them. I'll be fine. Completely. But stress is running high and so everyone is tweaking out, which is fantastic, and making me tweak as well.

This weekend, at a study party, one of my friends got another one of my friends absolutely drunk and then invited more people over, who promptly took her to the basement and tried to coax her deepest, darkest secrets out of her. And then tried to keep it from me. Real fucking mature. First of all, like I care, second of all, like I'd tell anyone or report her, third of all, suggesting she drink to cope with her stress was just a bad game plan from the get-go. Newsflash, girl who told her to drink an entire glass of tequila when she didn't have any weed to smoke to "calm her down", you have a problem. Good luck in life, dumbass.

But that's not the only thing. We're literally living in the tornado of a soap-opera, a.k.a. one of our friends lives, and she's literally being so dramatic over everything that she's getting on everyone's nerves. Not like she doesn't normally, but more so than usual. Have I mentioned that nobody really likes her? So that's awesome. But apparently her and her ex-boyfriend, who's life she ruined, are now on good terms again. Even though he still loves her and she wants nothing to do with him romantically. Good terms? I don't think so.

And it gets better. One of my other friends decided it would be a fantastic idea to plan on bringing a flask to New Years. Seriously? Stay home. If you want to get drunk, don't do it around us. We not only don't want to be around that for the time that we spend together, but you're also the most annoying drunk on the planet. You throw up everywhere. I'm not taking care of that, or of you, on New Years. Find some other friends to hang out with.

Also, I'm so over this natural hibernation thing. Apparently nobody informed my body that a. I wasn't starving to death and that b. I wasn't a bear, so it seems to require more food. So I gain weight. But part of that is simply due to stress, I think. Oh well, fuck that. I still have a few months until swimsuit season.

My family de-stresses me, that I'll admit, but we rarely have time to spend together since we're constantly running around doing a million things. Especially preparing for Christmas. Did anyone mention that it was in six days? I will say that my friends are great for venting, though.

The only person that, no matter what, takes the time to listen to my stressors and calms me down is someone that I don't particularly want to burden with my stressors. Oh, and he's 213 miles away.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

I came across these tips, and I couldn't help but be taken aback. Because I know that I'm guilty of 25/30 on any given day, and more on some days. But these are especially applicable to my life at the current state, so I'll share them with you now.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
2. Stop running from your problems.
3. Stop lying to yourself.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner
5. Stop trying to be someone you're not.
6. Stop trying to hold on to the past.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.
11. Stop being idle.
12. Stop thinking you're not ready.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn't work.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else.
16. Stop being jealous of others.
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.
18. Stop holding grudges.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
28. Stop worrying so much.
29. Stop focusing on what you don't want to happen.
30. Stop being ungrateful.

Besides those, just go out and live your life. There's nothing stopping you from living the life that makes you happy. If you live your life to please others, you lose your own happiness along the way. Stay true to who you are, and what you believe in. Keep those that support you close, and don't bother spending time doing things that don't make you happy. Remember: you are loved. Believe in yourself. Don't wear a mask in front of others, and don't be a people-pleaser: it's basically the same offense. Everything's an act when you're pleasing everyone.

Love life. Live life to love it.

Dear D

Okay, here's the thing. I don't appreciate your nasty tweets about me. Just say it the fuck to my face. And just because I'm hanging out with some guy at rehearsal doesn't mean I'm any less faithful to my boyfriend. You've never once allowed me to be friends with who I want, because whenever I hang out with guys one-on-one, you always claim that people talk and are saying mean things about me. Well guess what. Nobody thinks that. I'm a nice person, and nobody thinks I'm a slut. Lunch with a boy during a rehearsal break doesn't indicate a relationship failing on my part, not does it mean that I'm cheating on my boyfriend. When, by the way, your ex's only constant complaint about you was that you were all over other guys in front of him. So you can do that, yet I can't scratch a guy's head or hug another guy when hanging out with my friends? Your excuse is that everyone knows you're joking. Well they know that about me too! Nobody suspects me of cheating, except maybe my loser of an ex. I'm faithful to my boyfriend. Completely. Absolutely. And he knows that.

So get your nose and tweets out of my fucking business and take some of your own advice.

I Figured It Out

The reason why I'm so miserable all the time is because I'm tired of living up to other people's expectations of me.

I'm tired of worrying how I dress and how it will portray me to society.
I'm tired of worrying about what I post on social networking because I'm afraid that it'll make people think badly of me.
I'm tired of being afraid that what I'm saying will get me judged or laughed at.
I'm tired of constantly making sure I'm being proper.
I'm tired of following the rules because I'm afraid of getting into a little bit of trouble.
I'm sick of being the cautious one.
I'm tired of dragging people down to my mellowness because I don't want things to get crazy.
I'm tired of being reserved.
I'm done with being too swept up in life not to enjoy the ride.
I'm sick and tired of doing what others say, just because they think it's a good idea.
I'm tired of repressing my thoughts because I'm afraid of what I'll say, and what others will think of that.
I'm tired of being afraid to branch out.

I need to get out of this place.

Friendships?

I wish I could take a break from my life long enough to realize what's wrong.

The issue, besides the fact that I don't want to seem weak, is the fact that I never seem to be able to figure out what's wrong, even when I am concentrating on finding a solution. I've blamed stress, blamed it on having an off day or a bad week, or even on the drama of my friends. But how long is it going to take before I realize that there may be something bigger happening here?

That's a bit of an irrelevant question. I've determined that whatever is bothering me isn't doing so in a purely obvious way, so that means that I've already realized it deserves further investigation. I think the real reason I don't want to figure things out is because a. I'm scared of what the results are, and b. I don't want to expose my weaknesses. But the fact of the matter is that I'm not happy with something in my life right now. I'm not happy with where I'm at, who I'm with, what I'm doing, etc. And yes, there are a lot of things in everyone's life that make them unhappy, but they deserve to be acknowledged. I just can't do that with my own issues.

One of the things that I think is really the problem is my social situation. I've never been one strong enough to ask for help, so that's an immediate barrier between myself and others. Nothing has ever been safe in my circle of friends, and weaknesses tend to be exploited. We're like a soap opera, I truly mean that. We're vicious and nasty, and all we do is talk about the "weakest link" behind their back. It's awful. I'm not saying that I'm innocent of this, but it does make me think twice about who to tell things to, or if I'm being judged based on what I do and say. I've been criticized far too many times to be confident within my group of friends, and as much as we say we love each other, we truly don't. I don't feel like anyone has my back, and that's hard. Going through every day, not knowing which ones of your friends are trashing you behind your back is a really rough battle to fight constantly. When any of us tells another to keep something a secret, that's irrelevant, because we go blabbing about it anyways. Our group is full of two-faced bitches. That's the plain and blatant truth. There isn't anyone I can vent to, because I don't want everyone to know what I say to that one person. There isn't any form of release, and it's a really unhealthy environment for all of us to be in. I can't tell anyone anything. Truly. I feel close with maybe one of them at a time, and that's just not a good situation. We never hang out anymore, and we're basically all passing time until we get away from each other. I'm worried that these friendships aren't meaningful or lasting.

I needed to get that out. There isn't any redeeming qualities about my core group of school friends. They leave me out of things, they don't invite me when they hang out. When they do hang out with me, they do nothing but talk about more fun things that happened when I wasn't there, and everyone seems to not notice when I disappear for a while. We're on different wavelengths: when they get crazy, I think they take things too far, but if you tell them that, they flip out and make fun of you. I'm not the only one this has happened to.

I'm being a bad friend to them too, I know that, but it makes it really hard to care about a group of such supportive people. I don't communicate with them because I honestly have such a hard time putting so much time and effort into something that I don't get to reap the benefits of. This has been a lot of hating on my friends, but it isn't their faults. Truly. I love them, even if they're the meanest people at times.

I guess that's what happens when I get upset on Sunday nights when I should be cleaning my room.

So, This Week Sucks

Okay. So I'm super stressed out right now, and this week is full of horrible things, but I'm surprisingly happy. I don't know why. On top of a trillion homework assignments that I have to do and losing my car keys today (yes, it sucks. so much), I've had more friend drama and activities than ever before. But whatever, all of that is inconsequential.

Being stressed increases productivity. It has to, otherwise things would never ever get done. A certain amount of stress can make you shut down completely, but I had my breakdown last night. And now I'm back with the swing of everything! Solving problems, being productive, and all that jazz.

But why am I so happy? I don't know. It could be the fact that I've looked cute every day this week and that helps me feel better. Could be that I get to check things off my list of things to do, which makes that list shrink in size, which is always a fantastic feeling. It could be that I don't have time to worry about pointless things. Maybe it's a release of pent-up stress. Maybe I just needed to be angry at something. Who knows. But I'm in a good mood! Despite everything else going to shit in my life.

Maybe it's Chipotle.