"Hey it was nice seeing you tonight (though brief). We should hang out soon, and by hang out, I mean party."

4:09 a.m. is a good time to be receiving that text message. Simple, straightforward, but with one single text, my morals have flipped.

No judgement, it's early in the morning. But let's entertain this possibility.

Not only am I in a program where I have to support being drug and alcohol free (which absolutely, 100% prevents me from partying), I really have no intention of losing control. I would totally go party with this individual, were it not prohibited for me, and check out the scene, while not drinking. Just because I don't want to lose control doesn't mean that others might not, and that could potentially be a really good time for me. If I knew for a fact nobody would find out, I would go. That says something about my inner morals. Deep down, I just want to do what I want and have a good time. Call this my rebellious age. Fuck it.

Another thing that screams bad news about this situation is the particular individual from who I received the text. He and I had a flirtation going on Sophomore year, and we almost hooked up that winter break. We didn't, but he made no secret that he found me attractive, and let's face it, I'd hook up with him. Absolutely. And if he'd be drunk, then he would definitely try to hook up with me. But I have a boyfriend.

So besides the fact that I can't be at parties because of this volunteer thing I do, I shouldn't party with him because we might end up hooking up and I have a boyfriend, and I would never want it to get out that I was partying with him and his friends, I REALLY want to go party with him.

I know exactly why, too. It's the thrill of it. It's because, instead of sitting at home at 4 a.m. playing League of Legends with my boyfriend, who's a superdork, I'd be out with a group of people that are pretty fucking cool, underneath their douchey party image. It's the intrigue, the adventure, the unknown.

I've known these people since the fifth grade, and they're just as nerdy and smart as me, but they somehow worked past that and are now out having a good time. There's a group of them that were in PI plus with me, which was the gifted program from 4th-8th grade. All great, great kids. 

I'll let you know what the deal becomes. I'm not sure where I stand on all of this.