Mexico

I went to Mexico for Spring Break and I fell in love.

Let me back up, because I fell in love in a lot more ways than one. I fell in love with the Spanish language, and even picked some up (which is a feat in and of itself for me). It was just enough cultural immersion to educate but not enough so that I felt lost. We were at a resort, after all. I also fell in love with the all-inclusiveness. They had open buffet, bar, room service, and restaurants at all times, and although I was designated the sober one for the week, my friends collectively would have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on alcohol. It was nice not to have to worry about paying for anything, and nice to be able to eat whatever, however much, and whenever we wanted. I fell in love with the beach, I must say. It was a beautiful thing and oh-so relaxing.

But more so than any of that, I fell in love and I fell in love with my mentality in Mexico.

A lot happened in Mexico to the group of five of us. Two girls lost their virginity, we all shamelessly danced on a bar, the majority of them got too drunk most nights, we lost some, won some, one girl cheated, we got into fights, we made up, and all was well. Unfortunately, the lack of rules in Mexico did not exactly carry back over into the states.

When I was in Mexico, I met someone that matched me. Intellectually, I was challenged in every conversation. My facade was effectively seen through, and I was forced to do some long-overdue self evaluation. I was completely torn down to basics, and forced to rebuild myself honestly in someone else's eyes. It was refreshing, terrifying, and incredibly difficult. Believe me when I say that I reciprocated. Every conversation was a point of self-discovery for the both of us, and life was good.

There's just one problem. There's a girlfriend involved. It was never my intention to cause anyone to toe any relationship boundaries, but it happened. So now I'm stuck, because the Mexican rules do not apply in America.

With beauty comes pain, and it's all a matter of balance. While in paradise, I got some news in a very bad form. I received four rejection letters, two deferrals, and a delayed acceptance. The truth is hard to swallow, but it's made a bit easier with the presence of sand and sun. And, of course, great friends.

You Know Who You Are

I'm sorry for blogging about you. You were worried, once, about not being able to stop reading this, and I can't decide if I wish you still read it or if I'd rather you have stopped. Either way, I'm still maintaining my online anonymity and not revealing who you are to anyone, or who I am to anyone. I'm blogging for strangers, and trying to forget that you're among the few that read this. I hope that's okay with you. I do want you to know that I have absolutely no hard feelings, and that I'm sorry we were once doing better with the friends arrangement than we are right now.

You're coming home in a little while, and I'm going to ask you to meet up with me for coffee or something. You don't know this yet, because I haven't asked you yet. I hope you accept. I also hope you're open with me, and I with you. I think about you, and it's hard sometimes, I admit that. I miss you as a person.

Spring Break

So, even though it isn't upon me yet, spring break is causing quite a bit of drama and stress in my life. Namely because I'm going to Cancun with four other girls, three of whom are skinnier than me and one of which is a lesbian.

Generally speaking, I'm the most attractive out of the five of us, I'm not going to deny myself that. The lesbian doesn't compete with me, so I'm fine with her. Out of the other three, one is a huge bitch, one is incredibly dumb, and the other is annoying and insane. I'm the one that guys tend to like and appreciate, which is mostly (I think) because of my personality and the fact that I'm easy to talk to and be around.

All of that is fantastic, and far better than sheer physical attractiveness, in every situation except in the case of spring break hookups.

Now, I know the three other girls didn't get skinny the right way. Well, one of them is just a size 00 freak of nature, but the other two have struggled with eating disorders. If you've read previous posts, I've commented on how even though I would never resort to one, I understand that people do because they show results. I, on the other hand, eat well, get enough exercise, and just kind-of let my body do it's thing. Which means that I have, by product of genetics, "child-bearing hips," as a male friend of mine put it. That's fucking fantastic when oh, I don't know, bearing children, but in any other situation it sucks. Absolutely sucks. So, to recap, by doing the healthy thing for my body, I ended up being the biggest girl in my spring break group.

The four straight girls went shopping today for some swimwear and such, and I got increasingly self-conscious as the day went on and I was constantly comparing myself against the other girls' figures. They noticed something was up about me, but didn't know what it was because I was too embarassed to tell them.

Eventually, the girl that I'm closest to in that group (the 00 freak of nature) pulled me aside for the sake of buying a breadstick and asked what was wrong. I figured that I had nothing to lose by telling her, so I did. She pressured me to buy an ice cream cone, but I refused, so I guess that was a good thing. Overall, it helped to just talk to someone about it, because I also felt ignored through the whole process and it helped that she now knew what was causing me stress. She reassured me that I looked really good in the bikini that I bought (which I know she's obligated to do because she's a good friend, but it made me feel better all the same) and told me that she was always jealous of my hips, which helped for the little that it was worth.

But if I'm this worried and stressed while shopping for clothes for spring break, how bad will it be once we're actually on spring break? I just don't want all of my friends to be hotter than me on vacation.

Chaos

Chaos can be fun, exciting even. But I was in no way, shape or form prepared for the chaos that this weekend entailed, both bad and good. Background information: I was in a play this weekend, that performed Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday afternoon and night.

Here we go.

So first of all, my ex boyfriend asked me on Thursday, late,  if I wanted to hang out and make out. I was kind-of, well, confused for a while because he had told me previously that he didn't want me if there wasn't an emotional attachment, but whatever. I said no, because I honestly was busy, and we went on our merry way. Nothing too bad yet.

Then, this guy a year younger than me (that had confessed to liking me earlier in the week) kept trying to find excuses to talk to me alone, etc. Let's call him "Guy A." I didn't really have the time or the energy to do that, so it was quite problematic. Eventually, he managed to get me alone and kiss me, and then proceeded to delve into the emotional complications of our "love" to me over text. I don't like him like that, but evidently he "knows I kissed him back" or something like that. He kept trying to put words into my mouth regarding how I was feeling, and I just ended up stopping trying to correct him. Nothing will happen.

Also, a guy my age wanted to ask me to Prom, found out that I was already planning on going with a really good friend of mine, and decided to try to talk to me and ask me anyways. Let's call him "Guy B." The result was a very awkward conversation on his part about how he liked me, me politely declining, then him making several jokes at that expense that were evidently some sort of therapy for him, but made me extremely uncomfortable. Also, he's just incredibly annoying. So that one isn't happening either.

In my show, Guy B is my friend's love interest, and I have a love interest of my own, let's call him Guy C. Well, for the last three months, my friend and Guy C have had a thing, which for him has been simply trying to figure out if he wants something more, but for her it's been rather a prelude to the relationship. The result of this has been that he is becoming upset because she's so emotionally attached, and she's upset because he's not being conclusive. On Saturday, they both decided that it's best if they part ways. So that night, after strike (which is when we tear down the set), they began talking at midnight. Keep in mind that I have a close relationship with the both of them, and have been giving them separate advice. Well, at 12:35, after talks that I'm sure covered everything about the relationship/friendship between them, as well as her eating disorder (we think), I drove him home. He was so confused, and she left in tears.

Following so far?

Today, Guy B texted me and told me that he was jealous of my friendship with Guy C because he didn't understand how the two of us have gotten so close over such a small space of time. Well, he's just overreacting and desperate. Pardon my bluntness.

Let's take a trip back through this show, focusing on the friendship between myself and Guy C. We knew each other when we did the callback together, but not that well. He and I, however, had amazing chemistry, so they cast us. From then on out the entire experience was just us goofing off, culminating in the last two weeks of us shamelessly friend-flirting. Throughout the entire process, we've been getting to be extremely close friends. I've talked him through a bunch of things, and he appreciates the fact that I think like a guy. He also appreciates that I don't take bullshit from him, and he doesn't take it from me either. A few nights ago, he decided to weigh the pros and cons of a hypothetical relationship between the two of us, which confessed a lot about his feelings. However, neither of us are exactly in a position to date right now, so we took it for what it was worth and got on with our lives. I don't think either of us really intended to entertain the idea. However, in a darkened corner on Saturday afternoon, his lips found mine. No idea what that means. But I value him immensely as a person, so I'm taking it for what it was and leaving it at that.

I reconciled things with my other ex boyfriend, and we even did a throwback to some of the insane things that we did when we dated. We've both moved on. It's wonderful, and the one thing that I have closure on. Fantastic.

Life has thrown me some curveballs. However, what's life without a little chaos?