Lonely as Fuck

I'm incredibly lonely.

I came to this (somewhat unsurprising) realization this morning. After a night of drinking with an acquaintance, said acquaintance and I ended up making out and having a sleepover. This morning, when we woke up, I realized that I was happy.

I don't find this particular individual to be good company. In fact, a friend today kindly reminded me that at a point a bit ago, I was quoted as saying "I don't like him. He's kind of an asshole and he's incredibly boring." Oops. He also happens to be a bad kisser, which has been known to be one of my major deal breakers. So why was I happy? I thought about it, and the answer came to me quite quickly.

For the first time in a long time, I had woken up next to someone who snuggled with me, who hadn't left, whom I didn't leave, and who made somewhat pleasant company. That's all it took to make me a little less lonely.

I'm an huge proponent of being single. I think that, in a lot of ways, being single throughout college has allowed me to grow and develop massively as a person, and has made me more comfortable in my own skin. I don't exactly have the time or energy to devote to a relationship, and I know that being in one would just complicate my life. I like coming home after working late to my messy room and my ugly pajamas. I love the fact that I only feel the need to shave my legs when I'm planning on wearing a dress or shorts, because who's going to see my legs? Nobody. I really like the freedom to do what I want, when I want. I like being able to kiss as many boys as I damn well please. I like being independent, and I like having my friends to care about me.

The thing I do miss, however, is companionship. Having someone to do nothing with, to snuggle with, to look at me with love in their eyes. Someone who gets excited to kiss me, not because they're drunk or it's convenient, but because they know and respect me as a person. Someone to watch bad movies with, someone to cook for, someone to support. Someone who makes me laugh, who finds me amusing, and whose company I genuinely enjoy. Someone to do things for, to make happy, and to go through life with, both the ups and the downs.

That's why I was happy this morning- because although I had a wicked headache and a nagging realization of all the shit I had to do today, I also had a tiny window into that life. I remembered what it was like to have someone there to snuggle with all the time, and I miss it. I genuinely do.

I reveled in the moment until, when I asked him to hand me my bra, he looked at the size and said "nice!" before he gave it back to me. Then I was reminded of why my life is a joke and I'm going to be single for at least another little while.