Alive

It's always at the moments I feel most connected to and aware of life that I experience the overwhelming urge to break down in tears.

I spend the majority of my time trying to simplify, or complicate, or avoid, alter, shut-out, change, or in some way filter what I experience in the world. This comes from many different motivations, but usually it's because my altered reality is easier to interpret and deal with than the truth. If I can choose how things affect me and how I perceive things, I have better control over how I deal with them. And more often than not, life, in all it's glorious intricacy, is hard for me to process.

I stumbled upon a list of 11 songs you're supposed to listen to to boost productivity or whatever. And the first one was from an album entitled "Music for Airports", and it's designed to “defuse the tense, anxious atmosphere of an airport terminal”. Which for me (someone who thrives in airports, because I love the bustle and movement of everything around me), turned out to be not relaxing at all, and instead brought me to tears in my kitchen. 

I do my studying to 10 hour loops of Bangarang. When I need to focus on something, the only, only way for me to do this is to forcibly shut everything else out of my mind so I can hone in and hyperfocus on the thing I need to do. This is achieved by loud (often angry/intense) music, chugging water, and cramming. I simply don't see "relaxing" as a prerequisite to accomplishing things.

This is why, at my most connected moments, I often break down. When on hikes (alone), when in really hard workout classes, when listening to pensive music, when watching sunsets, when simply happy. Feeling truly alive has always been a little much, emotionally, for me to handle. I choose numbness over being connected, and I choose it predictably, consistently, and willingly.

This is hard. This causes me trouble in a lot of regards. It's incredibly difficult for me to simply be still and quiet, and I almost always have some other thought running through my mind. It sucks, and I'm perpetually dreaming or longing for a thing that may never come to fruition. I'm always dreaming of the "more", all while trying to think and experience less. 

It's a fucking paradox. And I'm so burned out and simultaneously exhausted by life and yearning for more and I don't know what to do about it all.