Well, I've known this for a while. I have a horrible time remaining emotionally attached to people. It's something that I've absolutely struggled with, and me simply losing romantic interest has led to the demise of my past six+ relationships. And not just with boyfriends either- I don't really have that difficult of a time separating my emotions from logic when it comes to people in general.
I've always thought that the whole boyfriend-losing-interest issue was a terrible thing, until about now. I realized that this lack of emotional attachment is exactly why I can do college hookups. Because I'm not the one to get emotionally attached, or crush on someone to the extent that I can't get over it immediately. It just doesn't happen. And most girls are like "well, I can do friends-with-benefits" but really, bitch, you can't. You get attached and then the guy who's just hooking up with you because you're hot is somehow framed as this terrible individual who used you when actually, you were the one that broke the agreement. The rule is no feelings. If you can't handle that, don't put yourself in the position where you would theoretically have to deal with the consequenses.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Ten Points to Awkward.
Fuck my entire fucking life.
So I'm in a sorority, right? And in a sorority (and fraternities too), we have Bigs. Bigs are like your mentor in life, in all things greek, in school, in general. Now, my Big is a wonderful, amazing, incredible woman who is dating a guy in a frat. Typical. Now, we went on a Winnebago trip, or a 'bago', with her boyfriend's frat and I met this guy. His initials are MD, so let's call him doctor. He's a freshman, like me, and is super adorable. We see each other at a ton of parties, and he's incredibly cute and charismatic (and an actor. I mean, this is California, but seriously come on. How can I resist?). Doctor's Big is my Big's boyfriend. My big is K and her boyfriend is P. Also on the trip, I met a ton of brothers from the frat, and they all are super close with me now. This is amazing and good, except for when they start trying to set me and Doctor up. Don't get me wrong, Doctor's amazing. So funny, I could totally see myself with him. Except now that I know they think that, every time I see him is super awkward. Because I know that somewhere, someone wants us together. The reason I have to catch you up is because I'm an idiot and suck at blogging.
Anyways, my point is that now I'm always trying to impress him. I see him at tons of parties where he's being hazed, therefore drunk. And I don't mind talking to him, because I feel like he wants to talk to me. I'm drinking too, so my confidence is up. And the only time(s) I've ever seen him sober were when a. the bago was starting and he was driving and therefore couldn't drink and b. when I got pretty tipsy off of the swim team's jungle juice and literally didn't care how obnoxious/happy I seemed to see him. Well, that all just changed because I saw him in the dining hall, of all places, when he was with his friends and I was heading over to sit with my laptop, broccoli, and tortellini alone. To do some work. Which turned into blogging. Because it was so awkward. All I wanted to do was sit in the fucking courtyard and enjoy the beautiful Berkeley air and I had to have an awkward social encounter that wasn't even that awkward, I was just making it insanely awkward.
I mean he responded in all the right ways, said hi to me, asked me how I was doing, and asked if I was going to go to his frat for gameday when he left. I said I'd stop by. His smile gets me every time.
If only he weren't so short.
This isn't even anything, probably, just a stupid freshman crush.
So I'm in a sorority, right? And in a sorority (and fraternities too), we have Bigs. Bigs are like your mentor in life, in all things greek, in school, in general. Now, my Big is a wonderful, amazing, incredible woman who is dating a guy in a frat. Typical. Now, we went on a Winnebago trip, or a 'bago', with her boyfriend's frat and I met this guy. His initials are MD, so let's call him doctor. He's a freshman, like me, and is super adorable. We see each other at a ton of parties, and he's incredibly cute and charismatic (and an actor. I mean, this is California, but seriously come on. How can I resist?). Doctor's Big is my Big's boyfriend. My big is K and her boyfriend is P. Also on the trip, I met a ton of brothers from the frat, and they all are super close with me now. This is amazing and good, except for when they start trying to set me and Doctor up. Don't get me wrong, Doctor's amazing. So funny, I could totally see myself with him. Except now that I know they think that, every time I see him is super awkward. Because I know that somewhere, someone wants us together. The reason I have to catch you up is because I'm an idiot and suck at blogging.
Anyways, my point is that now I'm always trying to impress him. I see him at tons of parties where he's being hazed, therefore drunk. And I don't mind talking to him, because I feel like he wants to talk to me. I'm drinking too, so my confidence is up. And the only time(s) I've ever seen him sober were when a. the bago was starting and he was driving and therefore couldn't drink and b. when I got pretty tipsy off of the swim team's jungle juice and literally didn't care how obnoxious/happy I seemed to see him. Well, that all just changed because I saw him in the dining hall, of all places, when he was with his friends and I was heading over to sit with my laptop, broccoli, and tortellini alone. To do some work. Which turned into blogging. Because it was so awkward. All I wanted to do was sit in the fucking courtyard and enjoy the beautiful Berkeley air and I had to have an awkward social encounter that wasn't even that awkward, I was just making it insanely awkward.
I mean he responded in all the right ways, said hi to me, asked me how I was doing, and asked if I was going to go to his frat for gameday when he left. I said I'd stop by. His smile gets me every time.
If only he weren't so short.
This isn't even anything, probably, just a stupid freshman crush.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
...And Everything Changed
Perspective can be a little thing. It can be something that gradually dawns on a person, making them believe slowly but surely, things are different. This isn't how it happened for me. Today was like an in-your-face perspective situation. I realized a lot of things.
1. I'm going to fail out of school unless I get my shit together. Seriously, I failed my first midterm for a major prerequisite course. That's not exactly how I imagined things going, but what can you do? I certainly don't know. Get my shit together, that's what! But that was seriously a rude awakening. I guess I just need to learn how to study for this, which is easier said than done.
2. Relationships were given way too much weight where I'm from. Here, people hook up a couple times, and if they want to pursue it, fine. If not, that's fine too. There's no dating. And that's not just true at the college level- that's true at every level. There just isn't an emphasis on labels. Which is different, but makes a whole lot of sense. So what, if I want to act like a little bit of a whore right now, that's okay right? I'm not, by the way. I'm just fostering that option, should I choose to pursue it.
3. Everyone in California is really fucking short. Which works for them, because they can all be short together. However, here's me: "oh hey guys, how's the weather down there?" because it seriously is an issue. The vast majority of people here aren't taller than me. And that makes things a little weird, because I knew I was tall but I didn't know how tall I was. Oh well.
4. The only reason I'd go back to the Midwest is to raise kids or for a job. Grad school is happening, and that's amazing to think about (this is all, of course, considering that number 1 happens correctly). But I'm going East with grad school, because why the hell not? I don't want to stay in one area, and I'm not being tied down. I like having friends in all areas. All parts of the country.
5. I miss my sister a ton. She's coming to visit me tomorrow and that's super exciting to me because I didn't realize how much I missed her until she wasn't here anymore! But she's coming to see me!!!! That's incredible news. Anyways.
6. People that want you in their lives will make the effort to maintain connection with you. They will, and those in my life have. And that's reciprocal, obviously, but it's so true. And some people were meant to be in your life for a long time, and some were merely meant to stay a short time. That's natural, that's life. And that's okay.
Well, that's enough knowledge for now. I'm sleepy but need to shower. And you didn't need to know that.
1. I'm going to fail out of school unless I get my shit together. Seriously, I failed my first midterm for a major prerequisite course. That's not exactly how I imagined things going, but what can you do? I certainly don't know. Get my shit together, that's what! But that was seriously a rude awakening. I guess I just need to learn how to study for this, which is easier said than done.
2. Relationships were given way too much weight where I'm from. Here, people hook up a couple times, and if they want to pursue it, fine. If not, that's fine too. There's no dating. And that's not just true at the college level- that's true at every level. There just isn't an emphasis on labels. Which is different, but makes a whole lot of sense. So what, if I want to act like a little bit of a whore right now, that's okay right? I'm not, by the way. I'm just fostering that option, should I choose to pursue it.
3. Everyone in California is really fucking short. Which works for them, because they can all be short together. However, here's me: "oh hey guys, how's the weather down there?" because it seriously is an issue. The vast majority of people here aren't taller than me. And that makes things a little weird, because I knew I was tall but I didn't know how tall I was. Oh well.
4. The only reason I'd go back to the Midwest is to raise kids or for a job. Grad school is happening, and that's amazing to think about (this is all, of course, considering that number 1 happens correctly). But I'm going East with grad school, because why the hell not? I don't want to stay in one area, and I'm not being tied down. I like having friends in all areas. All parts of the country.
5. I miss my sister a ton. She's coming to visit me tomorrow and that's super exciting to me because I didn't realize how much I missed her until she wasn't here anymore! But she's coming to see me!!!! That's incredible news. Anyways.
6. People that want you in their lives will make the effort to maintain connection with you. They will, and those in my life have. And that's reciprocal, obviously, but it's so true. And some people were meant to be in your life for a long time, and some were merely meant to stay a short time. That's natural, that's life. And that's okay.
Well, that's enough knowledge for now. I'm sleepy but need to shower. And you didn't need to know that.
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