Wtf.

To add a little bit more horrible to my horrible ten days, this happened to me yesterday:

I had a sorority date function and instead of being set up, I took my best guy friend at school, arguably one of my best friends ever. We've always had a semi-flirty relationship (for the two years that I've known him) but have been strictly platonic. We had a fantastic night, we absolutely tore up the dance floor with swing dancing, goofy dancing, karaoke, and everything in between. I had an absolute ton of fun, and after we said goodbye, I found myself wishing that he had stayed, or I had taken someone else, or something. These date functions are hard because everyone around you is making out with random strangers and I just felt incredibly, incredibly alone. After he left I got kind-of sad, and I just told myself that it was because I was lonely, etc.

Roughly a minute after that, I realized that my date still had my phone. I texted him frantically from my computer and begged him to bring it back to me, and he did. When he came back and handed it to me, we hugged goodbye again except we both held on for way too long. I could tell something was on his mind so I asked him what was going on, and if he wanted to come in, and he replied that he wanted to do a lot of things and that we should go on a walk. I had to retrieve shoes and all that jazz, so I did, and then we walked around for a while.

He confronted the mutual attraction between us and claimed that he had a lot more fun at the date party than he expected to, that he was really glad I invited him, and that he really liked me. He then said that he was unsure where he was right now because he had just had a flirtation-gone-wrong with another girl and he's busy and I'm busy and he just rambled. I was sick of him talking in circles, so I kinda grabbed him and kissed him. He kissed me back, and pushed me up against a wall, and we made out for about five minutes before we started talking again. He admitted he wasn't really in a place right now where he wanted to risk our friendship and that he was terrified of commitment, and I told him I was scared of both commitment and vulnerability. It took him about half an hour to explain his feelings but I forced him to, because we're both mature adults and we needed to address our feelings now because I didn't want there to be any question going forward what was happening. He landed on the fact that he's very scared of anything happening and he's not in a place where he wants to risk anything because he doesn't want to hurt me, blah blah blah. He had a hard time talking because he said I kept staring at him with Bambi eyes, which wasn't my intention (oops). He's not a risk taker in any sense of the word and I told him that he was maybe being a little too cautious and he admitted that, but stood by his decision.

I'm not going to lie, I was bummed. Here was an attractive guy that said I was "straight bangin', in scientific terms", who I trusted, who trusted me, and who supported me. We're genuinely in each others' top five favorite people and it just stung to be rejected by him. I know it's for the best, and obviously I wouldn't ever pursue something he was uncomfortable with, but I wished for a bit that he would just let it kinda happen and see what was going on. He said he didn't want to do just like a super casual thing because we know each other so well and respect each other so much that it could never be just a casual thing, but he's not in a place to do super date-y things.

Then it got really bad. We were hugging and he brought up me losing the sorority presidency and the sheer weight of everything fell on my shoulders and I just broke down. I started sobbing into his chest and he asked me if it was because he brought up the presidency and I nodded 'yes' into his chest. I told him how upset I was that an organization that I had given so much to just decided they didn't want me as their leader. I told him I hadn't even considered the possibility that I wasn't going to be doing something hugely important in the next year, and I didn't know what to do. I also confessed to him that this year hasn't been a successful one. I've done things, but I haven't thrived. I got into my major on an exception, my GPA is going to drop below a 3.0 this semester, I haven't been feeling connected with people, I haven't gotten internships, and then the events of the last two weeks have just not been ideal. He told me he was sorry that these things were happening to me and it wasn't fair that things weren't working out in my favor. I told him part of the problem is that I'm incredibly good with self-preservation and rarely put myself in situations where I can fail, which made these failures that much more magnified. He told me I was the best and that he was sorry. And I just let him hug me and kiss my forehead, and I cried.

After about five or ten minutes of this, we decided that it was time to go home. I looked up at him and he said "don't look at me like that" and I said "like what?" "You're giving me the 'come hither' look and you just need to stop" "what? That's just my face. I didn't even know I could do that, let me try again." "Yep that's it. You sell yourself short with guys sometimes I think" "Guys rarely ever get within a foot of me so there's that".  We started walking back, and I asked him if it was too soon to start making fun of the situation and he said no so I said some stupid shit as he was walking me back home. As he was walking me up the stairs, he said "if you ever have a debutante ball or anything of that nature, let me know because the crook of my arm is really a thing that's working out for you." Classic. We're so awkward combined that this was honestly one of the more normal and less confusing things said to me throughout the evening, so I was thankful.

As we stood on my porch, we said goodbye again, I thanked him again for coming, and apologized for crying. He said thank you for inviting me and no it's fine. Then it just was really awkward with whatever we tried to leave on, so I hugged him again and kissed him on the cheek. He kissed me back on the cheek and then went home.

It was the best conclusion that we could have come to, and I really do value him too much as a friend to fuck things up, and I'm not in the best place for a relationship right now, but it still stung. It wasn't a fun conversation to have, and on top of everything else, was pretty brutal.

What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Slump

It has been a rough couple of fucking weeks.

Last Monday, I ran for president of my sorority. I lost in the equivalent of the primaries. I also endured a particularly rough hour of therapy, where things from my past that I didn't particularly want to revisit were brought up.
Last Tuesday, I was flown halfway across the country to interview for a prestigious position, was asked two questions during the hour-long panel interview, and left with the feeling that they didn't get to know anything about me at all. They told us we would know results on Thursday.
Last Thursday, I was so anxious about the potential of finding out about the job that I completely fucked up a technical interview with a different company. I also couldn't focus at work, and watched our football team lose. I also didn't hear back from the job.
On Friday, after several hours of waiting, I found out that I didn't get the job, but miraculously got a second round interview for the company with whom I screwed up the Thursday interview with. A small glimmer of hope in an otherwise dull situation.
The weekend was a small reprieve, then came this week.
On Monday, I found out I had to re-do large chunks of paperwork in order to get reimbursed. Not fun. I also had a (somewhat) better second round technical.
On Tuesday, I faced the crippling realization that I had to clean my room desperately.
On Wednesday, I ran for president of the PanHellenic Council of my University and lost that as well. The reason? PHC bylaws state that there can only be two members of each chapter on the council, and two members of my chapter were incumbents running for relatively unpopular positions.

Twice in two weeks, I've felt like my leadership abilities were completely discarded. Twice in two weeks, I've lost an opportunity to make a lasting change in my community. Twice in two weeks, I felt like the organization and the community that I have poured countless hours of my life into has not trusted me, heard me, or considered me worthy of their support.

It's been a whirlwind of about ten days, and it's been an incredibly hard one. I don't understand how so many people can tell me, to my face, that I would be amazing in positions of leadership and then have things like this happen. I don't know what I'm missing- I'm a very hardworking and dedicated person, and I have endless devotion to the organizations I deem important to me.

I'm confused, I'm hurt, and I'm discouraged. I do not feel like I'm getting the opportunity to live up to the incredible potential I have, and that's disheartening.

Lonely as Fuck

I'm incredibly lonely.

I came to this (somewhat unsurprising) realization this morning. After a night of drinking with an acquaintance, said acquaintance and I ended up making out and having a sleepover. This morning, when we woke up, I realized that I was happy.

I don't find this particular individual to be good company. In fact, a friend today kindly reminded me that at a point a bit ago, I was quoted as saying "I don't like him. He's kind of an asshole and he's incredibly boring." Oops. He also happens to be a bad kisser, which has been known to be one of my major deal breakers. So why was I happy? I thought about it, and the answer came to me quite quickly.

For the first time in a long time, I had woken up next to someone who snuggled with me, who hadn't left, whom I didn't leave, and who made somewhat pleasant company. That's all it took to make me a little less lonely.

I'm an huge proponent of being single. I think that, in a lot of ways, being single throughout college has allowed me to grow and develop massively as a person, and has made me more comfortable in my own skin. I don't exactly have the time or energy to devote to a relationship, and I know that being in one would just complicate my life. I like coming home after working late to my messy room and my ugly pajamas. I love the fact that I only feel the need to shave my legs when I'm planning on wearing a dress or shorts, because who's going to see my legs? Nobody. I really like the freedom to do what I want, when I want. I like being able to kiss as many boys as I damn well please. I like being independent, and I like having my friends to care about me.

The thing I do miss, however, is companionship. Having someone to do nothing with, to snuggle with, to look at me with love in their eyes. Someone who gets excited to kiss me, not because they're drunk or it's convenient, but because they know and respect me as a person. Someone to watch bad movies with, someone to cook for, someone to support. Someone who makes me laugh, who finds me amusing, and whose company I genuinely enjoy. Someone to do things for, to make happy, and to go through life with, both the ups and the downs.

That's why I was happy this morning- because although I had a wicked headache and a nagging realization of all the shit I had to do today, I also had a tiny window into that life. I remembered what it was like to have someone there to snuggle with all the time, and I miss it. I genuinely do.

I reveled in the moment until, when I asked him to hand me my bra, he looked at the size and said "nice!" before he gave it back to me. Then I was reminded of why my life is a joke and I'm going to be single for at least another little while.