Impending Crisis

Well, college orientation was the shit. I met so many amazing people, had the time of my life, and proceeded to fall in love with California.

The only issue, then, became that I came home, had fun with my amazing friends back home, had the time of my summer, and proceeded to fall back in love with where I am- and who I'm with- right now.

I guess you never really know what you've got 'till it's gone. But a 24-hour baking marathon followed by a seven hour movie marathon is what friendship looks like, I'm convinced. My expected summer fling asked me to draw it out past the summer, and things started to look really, really great. I don't want to leave in 25 days. I don't even know if I'll get to say goodbye to everyone I need to before I leave. It's absolutely horrendous. But I guess that's what happens.

However, there is a catch-22. When I freak out about leaving, I become incredibly introverted and thus lose opportunities to see those that I need to say goodbye to. It's really awful, actually. I feel like I'm not using the time that I do have to the best of my advantage. This is a crisis situation, and I don't know what to do about it.

Indecision

Shit. This is not the time to begin to have doubts about the choices that I'm making, or about the path that I'm choosing for my life. At the same time, I realized today that I'm scared shitless of California and all that it entails. I thought the distance wasn't going to bother me, but I'm literally terrified of the move. I think it was looking at a map that did it for me- telling myself that going to the East coast was the same as going to the West coast worked until I was staring at the difference on a map, plain and simple. Not to mention the fact that I'm going so far away from all of my friends, all of the people that I love and care about so dearly.

It isn't helping matters that I'm still double-committed. The deal was this: I go to orientation at Cal, and if I like it there, I can go there, but if I don't, Michigan is it. I still have the option to chicken out. And I don't want the normal going-away freshman fears to keep me from following the path I want. I don't want an out. I would rather be stuck than know that I can still cop out of this.

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it was just a sign of rebellion that I decided so strongly on going to California. But now I have all these fears, all these doubts about traveling West in a month and a half, and nobody to bounce them off of. I'm strongly tempted to just stay close to avoid losing literally everyone I hold dear to me, all the relationships I want to maintain, and have the ability to try and continue the wonderful friendships in my life.